Yoda Personified

Trying to find my "chi" in all of this crazy busy-ness is hard. I am coming to wonder if I will ever befriend stillness because it seems that I am constantly doing something if not multiple things. I am trying to find calmness in the storm as Yoda would. Speaking in wise backwards constructed 4 word sentences may help. At this point in my life though, things are going quite great. I'm back in school. Full time. I know!!!!! It's true...and I'm doing something that I am loving! I'm in a 2 year program for Advertising and Graphic Design at Humber and I'm probably going to go into the art directing stream. The program is craziness I tell you. I'm worked like a slave and I can't even begin to explain how far I've come as a designer in just four and a half months. And what's even crazier is that I've got 2 degrees, gone to art school and this program kicks all of their asses in terms of difficulty and workload. I don't know when college became more challenging than university but that has been my experience. But workload and stress aside, this is hands down, the BEST decision I've made in probably a long time. Of course it was a great decision to get married to my love and soul mate, but this...this is THE decision that will define me for the next chapter of my life and I am absolutely positively sure that it was the right one. I can't even express how grateful I am to everything and everyone in my life that has helped push me to make this move. I don't want to be preachy or anything, just express my gratitude and joy after years of struggling with a career switch. Just goes to show that sometimes we can stop and start over.

Unfortunate side effects though: late nights (i.e. right now), overspending on graphics magazines and the constant nagging feeling that you have something due.

But the good part? Happy Lena is.

Tortured Rebirth

It occurred to me yesterday that there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are tortured about what they are meant to do in this life and those who are not. It seems like it would be appropriate for all of us to wonder these existential questions, but truth is, most of us do not. Most of us don't vote, most of us believe blindly in a religion that doesn't serve us, most of us don't exercise when we should. So what would make you think that most of us would ask worldly questions of existence given this already insurmountable load of guilt provoking choices? I guess most of the time it's easier to live an unconscious life rather than a conscious one. I made that "mistake" a long time ago to live a conscious life. Well, sometimes i wish i could just turn that shit off, but it's proven to be one of those things that, once you've taken the first step, you've lost all your innocence. So i can lament the fact that i could never go back and this sucks or i can be glad that i am one of the few who is brave enough to walk this road.

Either way, I have no choice.

So what is it that i'm so tortured about? In conversation with my friend, i came to realize that i am forever going to be one of those people that wonders whether i could have made it as an artist if i only gave myself the fair chance to do what it is that i want to do. Although it hasn't always been clear to me what kind of artist i wanted to become, i knew that i wanted to do creative work. And the urge has been so intense, so compelling that it has driven me to more and more frustration with each passing moment. This is no exaggeration. Each time I am in between jobs, each time I pass by the 401 Richmond Building, each time I see an older person dressed funky, each time I see someone else who has gone that route, I feel a longing that has become harder and harder to bear with age. So torturous is this feeling that i have realized that it probably will never end until the day I die. I mean, in all these years that i've finally come to terms with myself as an artist, I have struggled with how to make it my occupation. This is the challenge of an unforgiving world that does not value art and culture, a world that wants you to be assimilated into mediocrity so that the masses won't be disturbed, and a world that is obsessed with otherwise "safe" pursuits. Don't get me wrong, I like "safe" as much as the next person. Who doesn't want to have a steady pay cheque? But if that were enough to satisfy me, then i certainly wouldn't be writing this when i should be looking for a job.

If i know that i will never reconcile my burning desires and can only imagine emotional turmoil until the day that i cease to exist, then obviously it's a no brainer. I have to fucking go for it. Sounds easier than it is. A bit more about me. I have a Masters degree in Psychology. While this only means what it means to secure work and have a certain credibility, it does represent years of hard work and time/monetary/emotional investment into a career for my future. How do i turn my back on that without the fears that I'm making a big mistake, that others will think i've made bad choices, that i will never stop suffering? But against it all, i have to face it. Art has never represented a solid future for me or my family. That's probably why my immigrant parents discouraged me from pursuing what they knew i was naturally inclined to do. Not until recently did i trace the true origins of my artistic gene to my maternal grandfather. While i always knew he was artistic, i wasn't given the true nature of his talent probably out of fear that i might go down that path myself. Well, Mom and Dad, so much for hiding it from me, it has managed to surface anyway. You would think that my mother would be thrilled to see her father's talent carry on in me, but when i was young, this wasn't the case. Now, at 31 years of age, i confide in my mom about my artistic struggles and she has finally conceded. She knows that there is no way she can fight what is my true calling. I guess better late than never.

In that same vein, i now approach my next chapter. I am 31, embarking on a whole new direction and armed with the wisdom that no matter what distracts me in the meantime, I can never lose sight of this goal again. There is no certainty with these next steps. Like a baby I have to be humbled to start again; learning to walk again when i already knew how to do cartwheels in another life. but hopefully these brand new eyes that thirst for growth and learning will inspire me to see life honestly. If i am tempted to partake in "safe" pursuits again, i will undoubtedly face shock waves that I will be less and less equipped to survive. It's do or die. How many of us feel tortured this way? Maybe more than people let on. But one thing is quite clear: those of us who are artists feel it the most.


see you in my next lifetime....

Growing Pains

Well it's definately been awhile since i've hit up this site. I've been mad busy with just about everything a person could take on in one given instant. Not managing it all that well but that's part of the growth i suppose. Life has been a series of twists and turns and unexpected growing pains. With that, i've had my share of wonderful blessings to account for as well. In the last little while, i've bought a house, gotten engaged, am planning a wedding, making a film, changing jobs and going through enough career disillusionment to last the next quarter of my life. Well i suppose all things need to change and evolve and this is just the natural progression.

I have come to two new life mantras for the next while: eliminating the complications in my life AND finding wisdom in not taking on too much. Both of these things have been huge lessons for me. For one, I don't need complications with the people in my life. Sure, there are going to be conflicts and for the most part, people work through them provided they have faith in each other and that they care enough to. But sometimes, relationships run their course and then they're done. One of my major realizations lately is that i can never compromise myself or my values for someone else no matter how difficult it is to stand up against. We do all kinds of shit when we care about people. We take a lot of bullcrap, we try to protect them in the most twisted ways, we want to believe in the best in them even when they take that kindness and manipulate it for their own self-serving reasons. Of course we end up abusing the ones closest to us first before anyone else, but at some point, someone has to say that the relationship is toxic. And toxic relationships that make you question who you are (not in the good sense) and which cause you to overlook your own values are really just like old appendages on a tree: they need to fall off and die. Anything that is no long consistent with your growth trajectory need not be kept around for sentimentality's sake. Being the sentimental person that i am, this has been a hard lesson for me. One that has taken it's toll on my energy resources but has empowered me tremendously in being able to make that stand for myself.

My other major life realization: there is so much wisdom to be found in not taking on too much in my life. I've been working my ass off for a mulititude of reasons and it has hindered me from enjoying those very things that i'm pursuing. It's really hard to make sense of stuff when you've got as much going on as I do these days. It's just a whole lot of noise that distracts me from just BEING. I haven't been able to enjoy my own silence, my own introspection, my own meditation for I don't know how long. I guess my absence from this blog is just one example of this. But what is the worth in pursuing all the things that fancy me and excite me either creatively or otherwise, if I'm just being overburdened by them? I think even with my film, i've been too stressed about finances and the wedding to even capture the creative energy i need to make this piece the amazing film it's meant to be! Not until i looked at the footage recently did I realize what I gem we have and how i'd been too caught up to even take notice of the magic. What a shame that would be if the very thing that i'm burning to create is the thing that annoys and irritates me in terms of sheer amount of work. I don't know if the tortured/never-satisfied artist label is in order here! And the same goes for all the other things that are positive right now including the wedding and the house and all that good stuff. I should really be enjoying and not stressing. And at the end of the day, it's not how much i accomplish, but my process and all the relationships, conversations, creative inspirations and life changing moments along the way. I can take my time and enjoy them or rush through them like they weren't worth my time. Truth is, what's the point of eating if you cannot taste?

So with some milestones have come some maturity. I have to reevaluate how I pursue my dreams and how I manage them with all the other priorities in my life. Growing up does feel a bit too real these days. Well, at least I can still get prettied up and party the night on the dance floor if only for one night's escape. Ever since I could move my legs, dancing has been the only way for me to work out that negative energy that seeps into your bones. At least some things don't change with age!

moving and groovin' till next time.

2008 is Gggrrrrrreeeeeaaaaatttttt!

Hi, hello fellow wandering minds. 2008 has started with a bang. It seems like all the seeds I've worked hard to sow are now in their germination phase. Tender tendrils making their way through the fabric of my consciousness - changing me in every way; usurping me completely as an artist. My creativity is not the only thing germinating. I am also going through my own metamorphosis in what I understand myself to be. I still don't have a regular job. I was really attached at one point, nearing the end of 2007 to have a job in place after my other one ended, but that didn't happen. While I spend my share of time stressing about this, as usual, all things come to pass and I'm reaching a new understanding of how I am meant to use this time.

In fact, it has been a blessing that I have not gotten any of the clinical jobs that I applied for and turned down the ones that didn't seem to meet my standards. Saying no to certainty is hard, but I did it with mixed feelings. Now I understand that the time has finally arrived for me to take my artistry more seriously. It's time to make a change. It's time for me to take a leap of faith. While this means starting over again in something I'm not formally trained in, I am finally accepting of it and am invigorated by it. I want something that excites me. I want to be creating constantly because that's what I'm meant to do. This has become more and more obvious to me since starting the production of "Castle in the Sky". This has been my first foray into directing, producing and creating an overall artistic vision for a film. And while this has been a daily challenge - doing everything else in life simultaneously - I am getting to the point where I'm getting excited and enjoying the process. I remembered that yesterday when I was at Value Village and shopping for the wardrobe for my characters. I am in complete control of it all. This is my child. I felt tickled for the first time in a while.

Admitting this new focus is scary for sure. I have many accollades (spelling?) in counselling already and this would seem like a completely random step in a different direction. But I am trusting now more than ever. Could it be that I am prepared for anything because so many other things are in flux? I mean, no biggy, but I'm only moving into my first home AND getting married AND planning a wedding at the same time! All of these things have challenged me to step into a new level of growth, of committing to things wholly and to face the resistance and excuses with courage and strength. I mean, none of the above things have been easy for me to face. As some of you may recall, I haven't exactly been one to espouse middle class values and institutions readily. So, I have had to redefine a lot of things for myself. I've had to face all those fears that have held me hostage for years and years and years. Well, don't give me too much credit. I haven't reached enlightenment or anything. I'm just ready to face it because I've stopped, thought about it and said, okay I'm ready. I'm ready for it all.

REEL Asian Pitch is a Home Run!

Hey friends and creative colleagues!

Just wanted to let you all know that Dean and I were involved in a Pitch Competition at this year's REEL Asian Film Festival, THE festival for emerging asian artists of all kinds, particularly those who are involved in digital media. For the second year, REEL Asian has launched an Industry Series, which is a series of events geared towards providing access to those who are interested in learning about and participating creatively in the film/video/digital industry. Within this series, they have a pitch competition where people send in applications for video/film projects that then may be selected to be presented to a pitch jury. This year, Dean and I decided to go for another collaboration (partnership on every level!) and put an application in to produce a short film based on my play Castle in the Sky which has been workshopped by both the Nightwood Theatre and fu-Gen Theatre. It's going to be my little pet project that will bring together all my areas of creative interest including painting, drawing, sculpture, writing and film. I'm excited to be collaborating with Dean again because it adds further to our intimacy as partners in the romantic and creative sense. Quite awesome. Anyway, we were invited to pitch in the Professional Category and I'm so delighted to report that WE WON!!!!!!!! We really were up against some really well respected filmmakers and so it is such an honour to be given this opportunity - to have others really believe in us and look forward to seeing what we create. I am excited to see also, because right now, it's just a lot of noise and imagery in my head. But I feel so glowing about all this. We already have a commitment from some amazing actors to play the main characters in this film and are working on collaborating with some amazing musicians, etc. for the score. What a rush of adrenaline this is! I hope that people continue to be interested in the work that both Dean and I have to share both individually and collectively as time goes on. Long live creativity!!!!!!

For those who want a peek at the festival pics, check out the REEL Asian blog:

http://reelasian.blogspot.com/

Happy Wintering xo

My Darling December

This month is my power month. As someone who actively identifies with my astrological sign of Sagittarius, I can't help but notice how all things kind of reach their critical mass around my birthday. This is good of course. It usually serves as an impetus for positive change despite a momentary fog of confusion and disillusionment. This year, I'm feeling the power. I've been dealing with a lot lately, but I feel like things are finally starting to fall into place and I'm getting stronger with each affirmation.

So today is a big day. It's 2 days before my 31st birthday, which means I'm already cultivating my birthday power. But most importantly, today I have an interview with a place that, despite how cheesy this may sound, is the ultimate place I've been waiting to work for. It is the amalgamation of all things that are important to me when it comes to working as a clinician. I have been, for years, trying to find a place that is a community health center, one that serves marginalized populations, people of colour and one that is multidisciplinary and progressive in their politics. I have found that in this place. When I first found myself looking for a job, I was getting pretty discouraged by the lack of opportunities that seemed to fit this vision of mine. I began to think that after years of talking about this to my friends and colleagues, that I may not actually find this in the sometimes pretentious world of psychology. But, in the knick of time, and I can't stress how fortunate the timing is, this opportunity has presented itself to me. I am invigorated and I am faithful once again. I hope I nail this interview and get this job because it would be the perfect birthday present. It would be the beginning of the next stage of my life as a professional, creative and community oriented woman. Wish me luck!!!!!

Art as Honesty

Art is an emergency. There is no luxury.

- Sislej Xhafa, Albanian Artist


I attended a unique workshop today put on by Tej Ajji, resident curator of U of T's Justina M. Barnicke Gallery. Visiting artist Sislej met with a small group of young emerging artists in a didactic sharing slash learning slash ego abandoning experience. It's ironic that since Nuit Blanche, I have engaged in nothing but alternative learning methods in the established institution known as University of Toronto. It inspires me that art can still have this rawness despite the standardization of art programs across the different schools. Meeting and working with someone like Sislej was a reminder of what art really means to us as artists beyond mass consumption. Why do we feel impelled to make art? Why must we create art as artists? What are our roles in society and in our own lives as living artists? The most important message I took from today, and a theme which seems to be the driving force of my existence of late, was that as artists we cannot be indifferent.

We either like, dislike or feel indifferent about things around us, including art. As artists, we cannot sit idly by and consume the way that larger society may. As artists, we have the responsibility to respond with creativity to those things around us that inspire, anger, frustrate or thrill us. When I think about my M.O. these days, I realize that the timing of this message is fortuitous. Never have I felt more confident yet vulnerable about making myself clear to me and those I care for. I feel more urgency to trust in my instincts and my emotions than ever before. Maybe this is age. Maybe this is the next challenge of my being. Maybe this is the beginning of something grand. I have learned today that being honest challenges me and those around me to be their best. It is easy to be indifferent. It is easy to tell people what they want to hear, what will make them happy, what will confirm their sense of themselves. It is harder to take the risk of criticizing or giving one's honest reaction. And at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself, have you helped that person to be their best? Have you helped them grow?

We are all individuals and have a different fabric of experiences that make up our consciousness, our relationships, our fears, our dreams....our responsibility, if you believe you have any, is to fulfill who we truly are. No one can see any one thing in exactly the same way, but we don't need to apologize for how we see things. We have only to be honest about who we are so that we can be authentic. From this authenticity and willingness to put yourself on the line is where good art comes from. We have to react immediately as our emotions change with the blink of an eye. As artists, can we capture even just a moment of this fleeting richness of being alive? I hope so.

"I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is, I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat."

Rebecca West, Suffragist, 1913.