Growing Pains

Well it's definately been awhile since i've hit up this site. I've been mad busy with just about everything a person could take on in one given instant. Not managing it all that well but that's part of the growth i suppose. Life has been a series of twists and turns and unexpected growing pains. With that, i've had my share of wonderful blessings to account for as well. In the last little while, i've bought a house, gotten engaged, am planning a wedding, making a film, changing jobs and going through enough career disillusionment to last the next quarter of my life. Well i suppose all things need to change and evolve and this is just the natural progression.

I have come to two new life mantras for the next while: eliminating the complications in my life AND finding wisdom in not taking on too much. Both of these things have been huge lessons for me. For one, I don't need complications with the people in my life. Sure, there are going to be conflicts and for the most part, people work through them provided they have faith in each other and that they care enough to. But sometimes, relationships run their course and then they're done. One of my major realizations lately is that i can never compromise myself or my values for someone else no matter how difficult it is to stand up against. We do all kinds of shit when we care about people. We take a lot of bullcrap, we try to protect them in the most twisted ways, we want to believe in the best in them even when they take that kindness and manipulate it for their own self-serving reasons. Of course we end up abusing the ones closest to us first before anyone else, but at some point, someone has to say that the relationship is toxic. And toxic relationships that make you question who you are (not in the good sense) and which cause you to overlook your own values are really just like old appendages on a tree: they need to fall off and die. Anything that is no long consistent with your growth trajectory need not be kept around for sentimentality's sake. Being the sentimental person that i am, this has been a hard lesson for me. One that has taken it's toll on my energy resources but has empowered me tremendously in being able to make that stand for myself.

My other major life realization: there is so much wisdom to be found in not taking on too much in my life. I've been working my ass off for a mulititude of reasons and it has hindered me from enjoying those very things that i'm pursuing. It's really hard to make sense of stuff when you've got as much going on as I do these days. It's just a whole lot of noise that distracts me from just BEING. I haven't been able to enjoy my own silence, my own introspection, my own meditation for I don't know how long. I guess my absence from this blog is just one example of this. But what is the worth in pursuing all the things that fancy me and excite me either creatively or otherwise, if I'm just being overburdened by them? I think even with my film, i've been too stressed about finances and the wedding to even capture the creative energy i need to make this piece the amazing film it's meant to be! Not until i looked at the footage recently did I realize what I gem we have and how i'd been too caught up to even take notice of the magic. What a shame that would be if the very thing that i'm burning to create is the thing that annoys and irritates me in terms of sheer amount of work. I don't know if the tortured/never-satisfied artist label is in order here! And the same goes for all the other things that are positive right now including the wedding and the house and all that good stuff. I should really be enjoying and not stressing. And at the end of the day, it's not how much i accomplish, but my process and all the relationships, conversations, creative inspirations and life changing moments along the way. I can take my time and enjoy them or rush through them like they weren't worth my time. Truth is, what's the point of eating if you cannot taste?

So with some milestones have come some maturity. I have to reevaluate how I pursue my dreams and how I manage them with all the other priorities in my life. Growing up does feel a bit too real these days. Well, at least I can still get prettied up and party the night on the dance floor if only for one night's escape. Ever since I could move my legs, dancing has been the only way for me to work out that negative energy that seeps into your bones. At least some things don't change with age!

moving and groovin' till next time.