adventures in lena land

Yoda Personified

2009-04-17T02:33:00.003-04:00

Trying to find my "chi" in all of this crazy busy-ness is hard. I am coming to wonder if I will ever befriend stillness because it seems that I am constantly doing something if not multiple things. I am trying to find calmness in the storm as Yoda would. Speaking in wise backwards constructed 4 word sentences may help. At this point in my life though, things are going quite great. I'm back in school. Full time. I know!!!!! It's true...and I'm doing something that I am loving! I'm in a 2 year program for Advertising and Graphic Design at Humber and I'm probably going to go into the art directing stream. The program is craziness I tell you. I'm worked like a slave and I can't even begin to explain how far I've come as a designer in just four and a half months. And what's even crazier is that I've got 2 degrees, gone to art school and this program kicks all of their asses in terms of difficulty and workload. I don't know when college became more challenging than university but that has been my experience. But workload and stress aside, this is hands down, the BEST decision I've made in probably a long time. Of course it was a great decision to get married to my love and soul mate, but this...this is THE decision that will define me for the next chapter of my life and I am absolutely positively sure that it was the right one. I can't even express how grateful I am to everything and everyone in my life that has helped push me to make this move. I don't want to be preachy or anything, just express my gratitude and joy after years of struggling with a career switch. Just goes to show that sometimes we can stop and start over.

Unfortunate side effects though: late nights (i.e. right now), overspending on graphics magazines and the constant nagging feeling that you have something due.

But the good part? Happy Lena is.

Tortured Rebirth

2008-09-23T10:35:00.007-04:00

It occurred to me yesterday that there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are tortured about what they are meant to do in this life and those who are not. It seems like it would be appropriate for all of us to wonder these existential questions, but truth is, most of us do not. Most of us don't vote, most of us believe blindly in a religion that doesn't serve us, most of us don't exercise when we should. So what would make you think that most of us would ask worldly questions of existence given this already insurmountable load of guilt provoking choices? I guess most of the time it's easier to live an unconscious life rather than a conscious one. I made that "mistake" a long time ago to live a conscious life. Well, sometimes i wish i could just turn that shit off, but it's proven to be one of those things that, once you've taken the first step, you've lost all your innocence. So i can lament the fact that i could never go back and this sucks or i can be glad that i am one of the few who is brave enough to walk this road.

Either way, I have no choice.

So what is it that i'm so tortured about? In conversation with my friend, i came to realize that i am forever going to be one of those people that wonders whether i could have made it as an artist if i only gave myself the fair chance to do what it is that i want to do. Although it hasn't always been clear to me what kind of artist i wanted to become, i knew that i wanted to do creative work. And the urge has been so intense, so compelling that it has driven me to more and more frustration with each passing moment. This is no exaggeration. Each time I am in between jobs, each time I pass by the 401 Richmond Building, each time I see an older person dressed funky, each time I see someone else who has gone that route, I feel a longing that has become harder and harder to bear with age. So torturous is this feeling that i have realized that it probably will never end until the day I die. I mean, in all these years that i've finally come to terms with myself as an artist, I have struggled with how to make it my occupation. This is the challenge of an unforgiving world that does not value art and culture, a world that wants you to be assimilated into mediocrity so that the masses won't be disturbed, and a world that is obsessed with otherwise "safe" pursuits. Don't get me wrong, I like "safe" as much as the next person. Who doesn't want to have a steady pay cheque? But if that were enough to satisfy me, then i certainly wouldn't be writing this when i should be looking for a job.

If i know that i will never reconcile my burning desires and can only imagine emotional turmoil until the day that i cease to exist, then obviously it's a no brainer. I have to fucking go for it. Sounds easier than it is. A bit more about me. I have a Masters degree in Psychology. While this only means what it means to secure work and have a certain credibility, it does represent years of hard work and time/monetary/emotional investment into a career for my future. How do i turn my back on that without the fears that I'm making a big mistake, that others will think i've made bad choices, that i will never stop suffering? But against it all, i have to face it. Art has never represented a solid future for me or my family. That's probably why my immigrant parents discouraged me from pursuing what they knew i was naturally inclined to do. Not until recently did i trace the true origins of my artistic gene to my maternal grandfather. While i always knew he was artistic, i wasn't given the true nature of his talent probably out of fear that i might go down that path myself. Well, Mom and Dad, so much for hiding it from me, it has managed to surface anyway. You would think that my mother would be thrilled to see her father's talent carry on in me, but when i was young, this wasn't the case. Now, at 31 years of age, i confide in my mom about my artistic struggles and she has finally conceded. She knows that there is no way she can fight what is my true calling. I guess better late than never.

In that same vein, i now approach my next chapter. I am 31, embarking on a whole new direction and armed with the wisdom that no matter what distracts me in the meantime, I can never lose sight of this goal again. There is no certainty with these next steps. Like a baby I have to be humbled to start again; learning to walk again when i already knew how to do cartwheels in another life. but hopefully these brand new eyes that thirst for growth and learning will inspire me to see life honestly. If i am tempted to partake in "safe" pursuits again, i will undoubtedly face shock waves that I will be less and less equipped to survive. It's do or die. How many of us feel tortured this way? Maybe more than people let on. But one thing is quite clear: those of us who are artists feel it the most.

see you in my next lifetime....

Growing Pains

2008-05-08T11:10:00.003-04:00

Well it's definately been awhile since i've hit up this site. I've been mad busy with just about everything a person could take on in one given instant. Not managing it all that well but that's part of the growth i suppose. Life has been a series of twists and turns and unexpected growing pains. With that, i've had my share of wonderful blessings to account for as well. In the last little while, i've bought a house, gotten engaged, am planning a wedding, making a film, changing jobs and going through enough career disillusionment to last the next quarter of my life. Well i suppose all things need to change and evolve and this is just the natural progression.

I have come to two new life mantras for the next while: eliminating the complications in my life AND finding wisdom in not taking on too much. Both of these things have been huge lessons for me. For one, I don't need complications with the people in my life. Sure, there are going to be conflicts and for the most part, people work through them provided they have faith in each other and that they care enough to. But sometimes, relationships run their course and then they're done. One of my major realizations lately is that i can never compromise myself or my values for someone else no matter how difficult it is to stand up against. We do all kinds of shit when we care about people. We take a lot of bullcrap, we try to protect them in the most twisted ways, we want to believe in the best in them even when they take that kindness and manipulate it for their own self-serving reasons. Of course we end up abusing the ones closest to us first before anyone else, but at some point, someone has to say that the relationship is toxic. And toxic relationships that make you question who you are (not in the good sense) and which cause you to overlook your own values are really just like old appendages on a tree: they need to fall off and die. Anything that is no long consistent with your growth trajectory need not be kept around for sentimentality's sake. Being the sentimental person that i am, this has been a hard lesson for me. One that has taken it's toll on my energy resources but has empowered me tremendously in being able to make that stand for myself.

My other major life realization: there is so much wisdom to be found in not taking on too much in my life. I've been working my ass off for a mulititude of reasons and it has hindered me from enjoying those very things that i'm pursuing. It's really hard to make sense of stuff when you've got as much going on as I do these days. It's just a whole lot of noise that distracts me from just BEING. I haven't been able to enjoy my own silence, my own introspection, my own meditation for I don't know how long. I guess my absence from this blog is just one example of this. But what is the worth in pursuing all the things that fancy me and excite me either creatively or otherwise, if I'm just being overburdened by them? I think even with my film, i've been too stressed about finances and the wedding to even capture the creative energy i need to make this piece the amazing film it's meant to be! Not until i looked at the footage recently did I realize what I gem we have and how i'd been too caught up to even take notice of the magic. What a shame that would be if the very thing that i'm burning to create is the thing that annoys and irritates me in terms of sheer amount of work. I don't know if the tortured/never-satisfied artist label is in order here! And the same goes for all the other things that are positive right now including the wedding and the house and all that good stuff. I should really be enjoying and not stressing. And at the end of the day, it's not how much i accomplish, but my process and all the relationships, conversations, creative inspirations and life changing moments along the way. I can take my time and enjoy them or rush through them like they weren't worth my time. Truth is, what's the point of eating if you cannot taste?

So with some milestones have come some maturity. I have to reevaluate how I pursue my dreams and how I manage them with all the other priorities in my life. Growing up does feel a bit too real these days. Well, at least I can still get prettied up and party the night on the dance floor if only for one night's escape. Ever since I could move my legs, dancing has been the only way for me to work out that negative energy that seeps into your bones. At least some things don't change with age!

moving and groovin' till next time.

2008 is Gggrrrrrreeeeeaaaaatttttt!

2008-01-24T11:39:00.000-05:00

Hi, hello fellow wandering minds. 2008 has started with a bang. It seems like all the seeds I've worked hard to sow are now in their germination phase. Tender tendrils making their way through the fabric of my consciousness - changing me in every way; usurping me completely as an artist. My creativity is not the only thing germinating. I am also going through my own metamorphosis in what I understand myself to be. I still don't have a regular job. I was really attached at one point, nearing the end of 2007 to have a job in place after my other one ended, but that didn't happen. While I spend my share of time stressing about this, as usual, all things come to pass and I'm reaching a new understanding of how I am meant to use this time.

In fact, it has been a blessing that I have not gotten any of the clinical jobs that I applied for and turned down the ones that didn't seem to meet my standards. Saying no to certainty is hard, but I did it with mixed feelings. Now I understand that the time has finally arrived for me to take my artistry more seriously. It's time to make a change. It's time for me to take a leap of faith. While this means starting over again in something I'm not formally trained in, I am finally accepting of it and am invigorated by it. I want something that excites me. I want to be creating constantly because that's what I'm meant to do. This has become more and more obvious to me since starting the production of "Castle in the Sky". This has been my first foray into directing, producing and creating an overall artistic vision for a film. And while this has been a daily challenge - doing everything else in life simultaneously - I am getting to the point where I'm getting excited and enjoying the process. I remembered that yesterday when I was at Value Village and shopping for the wardrobe for my characters. I am in complete control of it all. This is my child. I felt tickled for the first time in a while.

Admitting this new focus is scary for sure. I have many accollades (spelling?) in counselling already and this would seem like a completely random step in a different direction. But I am trusting now more than ever. Could it be that I am prepared for anything because so many other things are in flux? I mean, no biggy, but I'm only moving into my first home AND getting married AND planning a wedding at the same time! All of these things have challenged me to step into a new level of growth, of committing to things wholly and to face the resistance and excuses with courage and strength. I mean, none of the above things have been easy for me to face. As some of you may recall, I haven't exactly been one to espouse middle class values and institutions readily. So, I have had to redefine a lot of things for myself. I've had to face all those fears that have held me hostage for years and years and years. Well, don't give me too much credit. I haven't reached enlightenment or anything. I'm just ready to face it because I've stopped, thought about it and said, okay I'm ready. I'm ready for it all.

REEL Asian Pitch is a Home Run!

2007-12-04T11:16:00.000-05:00

Hey friends and creative colleagues!

Just wanted to let you all know that Dean and I were involved in a Pitch Competition at this year's REEL Asian Film Festival, THE festival for emerging asian artists of all kinds, particularly those who are involved in digital media. For the second year, REEL Asian has launched an Industry Series, which is a series of events geared towards providing access to those who are interested in learning about and participating creatively in the film/video/digital industry. Within this series, they have a pitch competition where people send in applications for video/film projects that then may be selected to be presented to a pitch jury. This year, Dean and I decided to go for another collaboration (partnership on every level!) and put an application in to produce a short film based on my play Castle in the Sky which has been workshopped by both the Nightwood Theatre and fu-Gen Theatre. It's going to be my little pet project that will bring together all my areas of creative interest including painting, drawing, sculpture, writing and film. I'm excited to be collaborating with Dean again because it adds further to our intimacy as partners in the romantic and creative sense. Quite awesome. Anyway, we were invited to pitch in the Professional Category and I'm so delighted to report that WE WON!!!!!!!! We really were up against some really well respected filmmakers and so it is such an honour to be given this opportunity - to have others really believe in us and look forward to seeing what we create. I am excited to see also, because right now, it's just a lot of noise and imagery in my head. But I feel so glowing about all this. We already have a commitment from some amazing actors to play the main characters in this film and are working on collaborating with some amazing musicians, etc. for the score. What a rush of adrenaline this is! I hope that people continue to be interested in the work that both Dean and I have to share both individually and collectively as time goes on. Long live creativity!!!!!!

For those who want a peek at the festival pics, check out the REEL Asian blog:

http://reelasian.blogspot.com/

Happy Wintering xo

My Darling December

2007-12-04T10:58:00.000-05:00

This month is my power month. As someone who actively identifies with my astrological sign of Sagittarius, I can't help but notice how all things kind of reach their critical mass around my birthday. This is good of course. It usually serves as an impetus for positive change despite a momentary fog of confusion and disillusionment. This year, I'm feeling the power. I've been dealing with a lot lately, but I feel like things are finally starting to fall into place and I'm getting stronger with each affirmation.

So today is a big day. It's 2 days before my 31st birthday, which means I'm already cultivating my birthday power. But most importantly, today I have an interview with a place that, despite how cheesy this may sound, is the ultimate place I've been waiting to work for. It is the amalgamation of all things that are important to me when it comes to working as a clinician. I have been, for years, trying to find a place that is a community health center, one that serves marginalized populations, people of colour and one that is multidisciplinary and progressive in their politics. I have found that in this place. When I first found myself looking for a job, I was getting pretty discouraged by the lack of opportunities that seemed to fit this vision of mine. I began to think that after years of talking about this to my friends and colleagues, that I may not actually find this in the sometimes pretentious world of psychology. But, in the knick of time, and I can't stress how fortunate the timing is, this opportunity has presented itself to me. I am invigorated and I am faithful once again. I hope I nail this interview and get this job because it would be the perfect birthday present. It would be the beginning of the next stage of my life as a professional, creative and community oriented woman. Wish me luck!!!!!

Art as Honesty

2007-11-02T16:34:00.000-04:00

Art is an emergency. There is no luxury.

- Sislej Xhafa, Albanian Artist

I attended a unique workshop today put on by Tej Ajji, resident curator of U of T's Justina M. Barnicke Gallery. Visiting artist Sislej met with a small group of young emerging artists in a didactic sharing slash learning slash ego abandoning experience. It's ironic that since Nuit Blanche, I have engaged in nothing but alternative learning methods in the established institution known as University of Toronto. It inspires me that art can still have this rawness despite the standardization of art programs across the different schools. Meeting and working with someone like Sislej was a reminder of what art really means to us as artists beyond mass consumption. Why do we feel impelled to make art? Why must we create art as artists? What are our roles in society and in our own lives as living artists? The most important message I took from today, and a theme which seems to be the driving force of my existence of late, was that as artists we cannot be indifferent.

We either like, dislike or feel indifferent about things around us, including art. As artists, we cannot sit idly by and consume the way that larger society may. As artists, we have the responsibility to respond with creativity to those things around us that inspire, anger, frustrate or thrill us. When I think about my M.O. these days, I realize that the timing of this message is fortuitous. Never have I felt more confident yet vulnerable about making myself clear to me and those I care for. I feel more urgency to trust in my instincts and my emotions than ever before. Maybe this is age. Maybe this is the next challenge of my being. Maybe this is the beginning of something grand. I have learned today that being honest challenges me and those around me to be their best. It is easy to be indifferent. It is easy to tell people what they want to hear, what will make them happy, what will confirm their sense of themselves. It is harder to take the risk of criticizing or giving one's honest reaction. And at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself, have you helped that person to be their best? Have you helped them grow?

We are all individuals and have a different fabric of experiences that make up our consciousness, our relationships, our fears, our dreams....our responsibility, if you believe you have any, is to fulfill who we truly are. No one can see any one thing in exactly the same way, but we don't need to apologize for how we see things. We have only to be honest about who we are so that we can be authentic. From this authenticity and willingness to put yourself on the line is where good art comes from. We have to react immediately as our emotions change with the blink of an eye. As artists, can we capture even just a moment of this fleeting richness of being alive? I hope so.

2007-11-01T11:42:00.000-04:00

"I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is, I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat."

Rebecca West, Suffragist, 1913.

Desperately Seeking Integrity

2007-10-30T13:05:00.000-04:00

Integrity. What is it? Who has it? Who decides? I have for the past little while been focussed on this idea of integrity, both in myself and in those around me. It hasn't been altogether easy to deal with. In fact, it has been frought with all kinds of negative feelings of sadness, disappointment, confusion in addition to positive feelings of clarity and affirmation. I guess that the destruction of any illusion is disillusioning and i guess that's where i'm at. I'm getting rid of the illusion. I'm getting rid of the self-doubt and I'm listening to my intuition even when everyone else may not see the same things I see in quite the way that I see them.

I know that I'm talking in vagaries right now, but breaking down falseness has to come when people are ready, so this need not involve detailed examples from people in my life. But what it can include is a testament of what is important to me. To be the person I was meant to be in this life. We are all here for a reason, and we don't often know what the fuck that is. We have glimpses of our brilliance, our talents, our abilities and our priviledge but we don't usually know how it all fits together. Some of these things bring us pain and confusion. Some of these things make us comfortable. Some of us are so cut off that we are in denial and we stick with the status quo, close ourselves off from listening to our intuition and live a life where we never rock the boat. And while that seems like such a negative thing to do, a cowardly thing even, there are so many people who do it because of the potential consequences. And yet, there are some that are naturally accepting and complacent and maybe that is their role in life. To make people feel validated no matter what. Well, I guess I wouldn't fall into that role.

I have been struggling with myself as a "shit disturber", a person who sees truths and can't be quiet about them, a person who values honesty and compassion beyond any of the other niceties that are valued in relationships...a person who sees people for who they are and (if i care about you) what your soul is capable of. That may seem all hokey and shit to some of you and that's fine. I don't really care. For those who might understand, well this is for you. I CARE ABOUT INTEGRITY. I care that i consider it in my decisions. I care that my friends have it. I care that people treat me with it. I care that i am alligned with it always in all my choices. I CAN'T STAND DISHONESTY that is self serving and cowardly.

And then you might say, who am I to judge? You're right. What's right for me might not be right for others and who am i to project this stuff onto other people who don't think their actions are in any way lacking in integrity? I can't answer that. I can only say that I strive to be in touch with my integrity all the time. I strive to do the right thing not because others will cheer me on and say good things about me but because if i didn't, my soul would be in conflict. And in being that person, i really value those around me who can do the same. Everyone has their challenges in life. Not everyone can see the things I see in the same way, but i have to be okay with myself and what i expect if i'm ever going to be able to accept that this is my gift. People who love me love me for this. People who can't can move on.

I am hoping that I haven't expected too much from those around me and only helped to elevate them to their higher selves in some minute and often annoying way. But i am a spiritual being. I care about the spirituality of others and i care that their karma is correct. I hope that in time I can understand this lesson i've been given.

I'm Coming Back!!!

2007-10-19T12:06:00.000-04:00

Well, after a long infatuation with facebook (despite my good senses), I have finally made the decision to come back to the roots of my web inspired writer identity. After having forsaken my blog for so long, I am happy to say that it still receives me with open arms and hasn't held a grudge. Look forward to more words and images of inspiration to come in the weeks to follow!

love and hugs

Wake up and smell the bitter coffee

2007-06-29T12:12:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to put out there my support for the Aboriginal community's National Day of Action. Today, many major highways and train routes have been blocked, just as the city gears up for summer's first long weekend. What a huge strategic step this is...hitting Canadians where it hurts the most: their wallets. How many people are going to be left stuck in traffic or immobilized by this mass organization of protest? How many people are going to be stranded from their cottages or weekend getaways because of this? How many trucks are going to be idling with their million dollar Wal-Mart goods? How many government officials does it take to fuck up what's good about a country? Think about the inconvenience that the average Canadian may feel having their getaway interrupted. Then, stop to think about how desperate a people must be in order to act in such drastic ways. Having had a semi heated conversation with a co-worker, I am inspired to air my opinions even further. Yes, we live pretty cushy lives. The inconvenience of gridlock on the way to the cottage or getting out of town, would not necessarily appeal to the intelligence of otherwise well-educated Canadians. It's just going to anger them. What is wrong with this argument? Well, first of all, not all intelligent people out there really care about what happens outside of their own comfortable lives. I mean, if intelligence were the sole predictor of sympathy to important causes, then why the fuck do we continue to abuse the earth, privatize health care, and do little to eradicate poverty? Let's face it, so many so-called intelligent people are too busy being complacent and comfy in their cushy jobs and suburban homes and driving their SUV's!!!! How many intelligent people feel helpless to help themselves, much less take on the task of looking at their lives and how it impacts the larger community? What will it take for them to open their eyes to what's going on beyond their bubble? All these are questions after all and are meant to stimulate discussion and dialogue. This is my beef. Am I living the perfectly conscious life? Am I as active in giving back to my community that I want to be? Am I contributing energy to sustain the lifestyle that I lead? The answer is not always. I struggle with that daily. I struggle with it inside myself and I am judgemental of those who don't ask these questions. But, I'm being honest about that and I want to inspire others to get comfortable with asking those uncomfortable questions to themselves. At the end of the day, those people stuck on the highways today will eventually end up at their destinations (albeit late and frustrated). They will go back to their comfy lives while those who are trying to get their voices heard continue to face the harsh realities that they do. I am not a professional in Aboriginal affairs, but I feel compelled to express my support, my solidarity and my positive vibes because once in a while, we need to get out of our comfort zone. Comfort breeds complacency. Complacency equals a slow and painful death because anything that isn't growing and being challenged is dying.

Gondry does it again

2007-06-05T00:37:00.000-04:00

Michel Gondry, the brilliant writer/director has wowed me with his pure and innovative representation of his imagination yet again. I just watched Science of Sleep and was in awe of his creative genius. So delightful, yet so crazy all at once. Madness and genius - together as usual. It didn't hurt that the lovely Gael Garcia was in it as well, but honestly that wasn't the most amazing thing about the movie. The most amazing part for me was the rejuvination I felt afterwards to move forward with creative ideas of my own, to be free, to be fearless. Thanks a million Gondry. You are one of a kind!

Age is more than a number

2007-06-04T23:45:00.001-04:00

I am definately getting older, not younger. But that's okay with me. You know how I know this? I have way less tolerance for people. I am so sensitive to people's energies now. I totally can't handle people who have obnoxious and needy/attention starving tendencies the way I used to. Heck, I might have been one of those people in my youth and maybe that's why i recognize it so well now. Anyhow, I find that either I'm becoming a pretentious snob or I'm just a little more picky about who I hang out with. Maybe as we set into our ways, we become more intolerant of others. Not that I feel like I have to apologize for this because we all do it on some level. Anyone who doesn't do it is lying.

Energy dynamics are interesting. Like energies attract each other, but at the same time opposites attract as well. We seek what we feel we lack or we seek to affirm what we are. So, what makes it totally endearing and acceptable for one person to be big and bold and then totally unattractive and annoying for another to be that way? I mean, when I think about art school, sure, we're all vying for attention, acceptance, recognition...but somehow that's okay. It's curious and interesting even. But out of context perhaps, then a person just seems utterly egomaniacal or unattractively insecure. And in some ways, we all exist on a certain vibe - our own wavelength that may attract similar vibrations throughout the universe. It's when there's some other vibe that's steppin' over the boundaries of what's comfortable for me, that I feel aggro and compelled to blog about it. Some people...so clueless about their own noise...must constantly seek affirmation outside themselves and then that's just too much for me. I go into "preserve my inner peace, stay the fuck away from me" mode. For the most part, I have elimated most sources of this aggravation from my life (yet another positive shift as I have aged). I guess what I'm talking about is when you have no control over it because of friends of friends, facebook fanatics, ignorant egos that have no sense of reality testing....you get the point.

facebook. now that's another entry altogether. it's crazy the new politics that have arisen from this mass machine of social networking. i have had to reject a million freakazoids that have looked me up over the last while. like what in the world is any person, who hasn't spoken to me in the last i dunno how long AND i never had positive relationship with doing when they are adding me as a friend? i mean, in some ways, it has been good to reconnect with SELECT, and I mean SELECT people. But for the most part, it has been utterly shocking how many people just want to snoop around your life. I guess it's ironic that I am out there in cyberspace yet I crave privacy. Well...I never said I wasn't full of contradictions. But let's get serious. Some things have to remain sacred right? Some books (ha, a pun!) are better left closed and some pasts have served their purpose to enlighten, to educate, to celebrate in our memories and that's it.

I guess this whole venting session is inspired by the same source - being inundated by people's demands, energies and snoopiness and feeling that for a long time, I had done away with the excess baggage and unneccesary noise. But alas, all things are learning experiences and it would be foolish of me to think that i can pack up my bags and rejoice neatly in the life I have created. Things hit you when they need to and if nothing else, make you thankful that you've moved on.

Soul Mates

2007-04-28T10:21:00.000-04:00

It occurred to me this month that life is full of temptation. Not that it doesn't occur on a daily basis, but I feel like this past month I've really been put to the test. After all, I struggle with all kinds of decisions, as we all do...this job or that, full time or part time, travel the world or build a community at home, a job for money or a job that follows my passions, commitment or play... We are living in generation non commitment. Forget generation X, we're generation NEXT. Like...we can't help but wonder if what's next for us is bigger, better or more exciting.

So, I've been negotiating this with myself for some time. Temptation in all it's forms. How can I really explain other than there are some things we can't explain? Hmmmm...I hope I'm not losing anyone. But in any case, the whole point is, we get reminders when we need them. We all need reminders now and then to tell us we're on the right track and that we're where we should be. The universe works in mysterious ways and I have witnessed it many times before in my travels, my relationships, etc. But, I had one of the most brilliant wake up calls recently that just snapped me back to this place of belief. That belief that there are people who are connected on a soul level. There are people who are meant for you for a reason.

Without getting too personal about it, I just want to explain how rivetting this is. I mean, with a world of temptation around you, how does one choose anything? How does one make a decision that they think is long lasting and then feel good about it every day? Sometimes we all need a little help. And that's what I got. Just when I was really straying in a direction of exciting newness, I realized that the one special real deal has been with me all the time. That this one special connection is the same one that sees me through all my weakness, my restlessness, my triumphs and my failures, my hopes and all my dreams. And maybe that's what connects us to people, place and things that we love...that moment of recognition that this is home. That in an instant, your life flashes in front of you and it culminates in looking into the eyes of someone who really KNOWS you.

I dunno in the gazillion of possibilities of connections out there if there is only one for us, but I do know that when you got something so unexplainably beautiful, it is quite worth holding onto.

Material Girl in a Disposable World

2007-03-22T18:44:00.000-04:00

Material Girl in a Disposable World...that's the title of my most recent piece, which was presented today at OCAD's UNDERCOVER show at the Great Hall. Five classes from sections of Creative Process and Research and Experimental Production (including photography, material arts and design and sculpture/installation) displayed their work by wearing their creations and struttin' it on a catwalk in front of an audience, live dj and panel of jurors. It was OCAD's version of PROJECT RUNWAY, with a fine arts twist. People had to make wearable structures that addressed issues of transformation, sexuality, identity, social/political issues, etc. I have to say, IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! I really hemmed (no pun intended) and hawed about this project over the last 2 weeks b/c I was sick, not able to put the time into it that I wanted, and yet it all turned out to my surprise. So, to raise the stakes and to make it fun for all of us, there was prize money involved...about 5 gift bags from Aboveground Arts Supplies, 5 $25 gift certificates to Aboveground and 7 $100 cash prizes for the best pieces. It was a total inspirational gong show...everyone's right brains at their finest and our class really rocked it hard. I think our class had the highest percentage of wicked pieces AND awards.

So my piece, inspired by a modern day Marie Antoinette (thanks Sofia Coppola) was a french courtesan gown circa pre French Revolution and full period head piece, all of which were made from recycled plastic grocery bags and plastic kitchen garbage bags. My idea was to juxtapose extreme indulgence, over the top decadence and absurd consumption with the idea of recycling common materials in a present day world where it seems we are moving more and more towards disposable everything. I just went at it...starting with the collection of plastic bags over time, making sure to recycle rather than to ask for more from the grocers, then cutting them up and sewing layers upon layers of frills, gathers, tucking here, putting a dart there. My years of sewing really came in handy because I didn't even draft a pattern, just cut and sew, eye-balling it the whole way through. In the end, I was delighted with the result and excited about presenting in the show. Needless to say, I got on that catwalk and danced and pranced like nobody's business.

And the payoff....I WON!!!! I took home a Juror's Prize, chosen by the Dean of the Faculty Design himself....for $100!!!!!!! And that's just the sweetest recognition and validation that a girl can ask for. YAY!!!!!!!!!

the end of east is coming east

2007-03-13T19:20:00.000-04:00

after some hiatus with sickness and a complete facebook bender, i'm back on blogger. oh how calming and serene it is here. facebook, though fun, is completely egomaniacal (sorry fellow facebook addicts)! i retreat to my friendly neighborhood, always there when i need it, personal blog where at least some things still feel sacred.

anyhow, sickness has been strangely sobering. it's been 5 days now since i came down with double whammy cough/sore throat and general malaise that has kept me bedridden and housebound for 5 days. horrible. but as many of us busy torontonians can sympathize with, sometimes sickness is the only time we really slow down and chill out. everything stopped. my art projects, work (equals no pay), my playwriting.... at first i felt so anxious at the thought of suffering the consequences of unfulfilled projects. now, i find that maybe my relationship with things has to change in order for me to feel better. today was the first such day.

we were blessed with a glorious day in toronto - one that can even make a phlegm filled vessel of cooties like me feel new again. on my way back from the useless doctor (post nasal drip my ass), i basked in the first rays of warmth in toronto in like 5 months. i even took my jacket off!!!! then a series of hapless events on my part ended up with me locked out of my house with nothing to do. i resolved to get a tea at lettieri and check out book city in the annex for my cousin's debut novel, The End of East. and to my delight, i found it in all it's beauty, sitting on the hardcover new arrivals table. how surreal. needless to say, i am so proud of her. she's been at it for a while. an O.G. if you will...and for it to all pay off like this is really a dream come true.

so this soggy sickness tale comes to a happy ending with me returning to my front stoop, hot chai in hand, eager to devour the pages of this book like a fresh plate of chili fried prawns, home-cooked style. it is really fascinating reading something written by someone you know...much less a family member who you have certain childhood memories of. and after all the drama of my cold, it all culminated with me enjoying a good book, revisiting my memories of vancouver and clinging onto the rays of this most beautiful day the way i cling onto each delicious word. for those who are interested, she's reading at harbourfront center on March 28th. congratulations Jen Sookfong Lee!

chickidee chick chick it out...

2007-02-25T18:25:00.000-05:00

here's my completed piece; the final step from the technical execise seen in previous posts below. i'm so encouraged by the presence of cute birdies everywhere i go. it seems i see them everywhere...on t-shirts, plates, earrings, everywhere. i certainly didn't intend to feed some massive trend with it, but it happened to unfold that way. and just when i think i'm getting too cute with my art, i feel like i'm given permission to be. who cares if the art world accepts it. i'm experimenting and it's all good. anyway, i present this on thursday. it's a piece entitled Bird Nest Soup, made from wax cast from a plaster mould, then covered with crushed egg shells. i'm presenting them in chinese ceramic bowls, with a nest of dried egg noodle. let's just say it's my homage to chinese new year, my heritage and a bit of a tongue in cheek jest at my people's love of bizarre unexplainable food.

Mayan Mayhem

2007-02-19T20:10:00.000-05:00

well as the title might suggest, the girls got down and dirty in the mayan riviera. but to be completely honest, we nicknamed ourselves the "golden girls" and that doesn't exactly refer to our tans. it has been a day since my return to the frozen wasteland known as toronto and i just haven't been able to get warm no matter how many layers i put on.

i REALLY miss the white sand beach, the warm carribbean sea and the warmth of the mexican people. i've been to mexico before, so i had some preconceptions about what playa would be like, but i was completely surprised and delighted with what surrounded the strip known as playa del carmen. actually, we stayed in a 2 bedroom condo just a 3 minute walk down the sandy lane to coco beach (also known as the corona commerical beach). it was a nice escape from playa del carmen's beach which was much more like a leather tanning factory on daytona...not our vibe. but playa was really a great place to party, especially for our bachelorettes x 2 party! we dressed up the brides-to-be in candy frocks, penis boas and veils, tiaras and glow sticks and made them parade down a 15 block promenade before heading down to the beach bar to party party party. cindy lauper said it best, "girls just wanna have fun!" we were swarmed but no worries....we had the cock block down pat: NO MANOS AQUI!

aside from the debauchery and gangsta poses, the biggest highlight i must say was the natural beauty and charming little towns across the mayan riviera. the snorkling in the area was the most amazing i've ever had (with the exception of the great barrier reef in australia but i wasn't snorkling there, i was diving). after a disappointing snorkling trip to cozumel, the mayan riviera redeemed itself with some of the most breathtaking natural ecosystems and diverse underwater worlds that i've seen in a long time. we snorkled in fresh water lagoons and caves called cenotes that are part of a complex underground river system. each cenote was different because some were out in the open with beams of sun piercing through the water and reflecting off the glittering fish while others were dark underwater cave systems that required us to take flashlights through a intricate maze of stalagtite and staglagmite rock formations. unbelievable! i had never done anything like that in my whole life and it was absolutely breathtaking.

we snorkled in the underground caves for about an hour before heading to tulum for dinner. we were on a mission to find the most authentic mexican food and local joints and being with 5 other girls who LOVE to eat, this proved to be easy enough. dealing with bloated stomachs and overeating was not as easy! the food was amazing and i consumed enough watermelon juice...mmmm so yummy!!! we returned to tulum to see the mayan ruins the next day, driving over an hour in our golden girl minivan (ha!). the ruins amazing. the crowds leave much to be desired, but despite that, this piece of history was beautiful. the mayan people certainly knew what they were doing when they built this civilization on the edge of one of the most beautiful white sand beaches i've ever seen in my life (and i have seen lots). the water was like a warm bath and so blue that i wanted to just stare at it and sigh all day.

but of all the adventures, the ultimate peak of my trip was the snorkling at Akumal, an amazing snorkling/dive site where you can just walk right off the shore into the reef. here i swam with a school of 1000's (seriously) of the same silver fish and then watched a big sea turtle feeding and being so incredibly cute. i had never ever been so close to a turtle OR ever swam through such a dense school of fish. i will never forget how cute that turtle was...how it chomped on the the seaweed like a muppet and then how it gently let itself float up to the surface like a turtle balloon to get a breath. on our way back, another turtle swam by and gave us a quick "hey what's up" with its eyes! Akumal's waters were filled with baracudas, parrot fish, turtles and these funny fish that hung out in a school just frozen still in some weird triangle formation. too crazy. i would have no hesitation recommending this place to anyone and will go back one day for sure. ahhh....it was just amazing. i didn't get much sun time but hey, i have a glow that's healthier than the average torontonian and memories that will fulfill me and make me smile forever. an awesome girls trip, an awesome crew of girls and an awesome country.

more pics to come!

Chinese Lunar New Year

2007-02-19T19:35:00.000-05:00

Gung hay fat choy, sun neen fie lock to all those to celebrate or believe in what I consider the spiritual and karmic new year. The chinese calendar has always held special significance to me because my family raised me with its folklore, superstitions and spirituality. This year I must say I was a bit unprepared because I arrived home from Playa Del Carmen on the actual new year. I was so bagged that I didn't even cook Chinese food. Boo for me. But, I did sweep my house from top to bottom just before I left! I hope that this year brings everyone prosperity, peace and wonderful health.

and then there were three

2007-02-07T01:48:00.000-05:00

here's some more pics of the chicks

aww, they love each other

knit bird

made out of some kind of dense foam i found in the plastics studio, using a cheese grater and some little knives and my favourite thing: sandpaper

i get to have this on my wall until the end of the week before it goes to its new home. i'll miss you

bird bird bird...bird's the word

2007-02-05T02:57:00.000-05:00

i think that for the rest of the week i will get no sleep. there's so much to do and so little time before i leave to baske in the beautiful white sand beach known as playa del carmen. as soon as i let myself indulge in the thought, reality quickly slaps me in the face, insisting i pull a few all nighters to get my 5 sculptural replications done before wednesday night. so, my subject is none other than a cute little chirpie bird i got for my bday some years ago. i have to replicate it 5 times 3 dimensionally, using 5 different processes. this is just the first phase of the project, as if it isn't hard enough! anyway, i have managed to do one so far, which i am EXTREMELY proud of since it was my own innovation (hey, when creative genius hits, you have to embrace it and be thankful!). here's some pics of my first chirpie bird replication made entirely from hot glue using nothing else but a hot glue gun and glue sticks!!! don't be fooled by its size. this mother took me 4 hours! if you look close enough, you can even see the eyeballs on the glue bird. this ultimately will extend to a piece entitled bird nest soup. stay tuned...

aren't they cute and round?

art cave

2007-02-02T02:55:00.000-05:00

some pics of my studio space in our apartment. 2 floors helps a lot, especially for dean and i to both have professional working spaces. this is where i've been spending a lot of time in the past week.

new camera

2007-02-02T02:34:00.000-05:00

i was surprised today by my sweetie with a new canon powershot, which arrived via express post. it's such an awesome and fun surprise. i love it! not only can i take a ton of pics in mexico, but i can also document so much. i am finding new ways to be inspired by everyday life and a tiny camera is just what i need to capture ideas and store them for some future burst of creativity. Anyway, here are some pics from a friend's bday.

something i'm working on

2007-02-01T03:33:00.000-05:00

believe it or not, that's acrylic paint! 36 x 48

Body Image Barbie

2007-01-28T12:27:00.000-05:00

That would be a most appropriate name for a new breed of Barbie wouldn't it? Here's my most recent installation, which was completed without ever attending my class. I love how once I got permission to be in the class, I was so kindly informed that I had a sculpture due for my first class. This is what came out. Done with mostly found objects, following the criteria that I would use repetitions of something found at a second hand store. Barbie was my willing participant and of course is something that many people can relate to either through commercials, as a pop culture icon or having played with one as a child. I also made the swing that the dolls are glued onto. While at first, many may dismiss this as "junk art", take a moment to consider the unique effect and socioemotional significance of this piece. I wish I had photographed it in class, where it was properly installed away from the wall, giving more of the impression that it is a swing. I also want the rope to be hanging from two different hooks if in a gallery setting. I won't say any more, so please post any comments...I'd love some feedback. Click on image for more detail.

Beauty is the Beast: dolls, pine, rope and glue

up close and personal with the coiffed hair

Doggie style

2007-01-25T22:31:00.000-05:00

these are my beloved dog friends in vancouver. princess the german shepherd and chinook the sensitive husky. princess is savage. chinook is soulful and sometimes aloof. what a combo. i feel sorry for chinook sometimes because princess doesn't know her own strength. but look how cute they are!

east to west

2007-01-24T00:45:00.000-05:00

i already miss deans even though he's only been away for 9 hours. but this is super productive time for me. i need to get myself together. this school year started off with a lot of frustration. so preoccupied with commissions, the stresses and ultimate black hole of creativity on demand and just the constant monkey on my back called my play. now that i've finally gotten into the proper class i signed up for, i have an installation due even though i've never even been to class. great. but sculpture and installation are back in my life and i'm so liberated by it! after so much technical focus, i'm finally being encouraged again to be as crazy and out there as i want. my last few days have been spent staring at the collection of barbies i've acquired from value village for my next piece.

anyway, i've strayed from my initial point which was to marvel at dean's ability to fly from toronto to vancouver in just his swimming trunks!

Commission me!

2007-01-02T02:49:00.000-05:00

From the Earth Come the Flowers, acrylic and water soluble crayon on canvas

Here's my first commissioned painting...how exciting. I have another commission in the works as well!!!! Feels good. I feel something is evolving...I'm trying to identify my style and while for the longest time I didn't think I had one, I think it's coming out slowly. This piece is called "From the Earth Come the Flowers" done in acrylic and water-soluble crayons on canvas.

Hello 2007!

2007-01-02T01:48:00.000-05:00

I love new beginnings. My birthday just happens to take place just before the holidays, so it kinda all culminates with the coming of the new year. It didn't occur to me this year to look back and reflect. It also didn't occur to me to make any resolutions. Maybe I should have. There obviously has been this indecisive theme leading up to this point. Having thought about it a bit more, yes 2006 was an eventful year that has come with it's share of tremendous joy, great pain and yet wonderful growth. stakes are high. I guess that's just more reason for us all to not take things too seriously. I mean if I did, then I'd never take risks, never challenge myself with something I might fail at, never really live...just maintain some status quo. I walk into 2007 with open arms, more maturity and more humility than before. I hope to do a million things that I'm afraid of and be all the richer for it. It's gonna be a good year!

Shanghai Pin-up Girls

2006-12-29T03:55:00.000-05:00

shanghai pin ups, mixed media on rice paper

Here's my most recent piece of art, which was completed well before the holidays, but I just never got around to putting onto the blog. I have been procrastinating on a couple paintings that I promised people lately. It seems like everytime I try to do it, something holds me back saying "no...just lie on the couch and watch that movie" so I oblige. I guess that's the purpose of the holidays. I might as well completely splurge on this holiday non-productiveness as long as I can.

In Loving Memory of Fely Villasin

2006-12-28T16:03:00.000-05:00

It has been a busy holiday season so far...feasts, gourmet food, desserts, candy, cookies, presents...much to celebrate. The idea of family becomes so much more important now than any other time of year. For those of us who are far away from them, it's really that much harder because as we get older, we recognize how important it is to share our lives with those we love. There's too little time for bullshit people and those individuals who would complicate things. Rather, I find that after all my teenage rebellion and (hopefully) maturation up until my 30th year, what I rejected so much in my youth is what's most important to me. Family. This holiday I miss my family so much, especially my Moms and my bro. I miss Dean's family as well, who has always spoiled us rotten every Christmas with a huge fun feast with family and friends. We really don't know how lucky we are.

I say all this with some solemness however because yesterday morning, a friend of mine lost her mother to a long battle with cancer. My heart sinks at the challenges, pain and heartbreak that are before her. She is the sole survivor of her mother's legacy and I am sure she is a proud daughter for it. Her mother, Ms. Fely Villasin, was a force within the activist community, a fierce advocate of women's rights and the rights of domestic workers in Canada. I have learned so much being around her and her supporters. I am certain that her memory will live long in all our hearts and within the communities she worked so hard to serve. But my thoughts now are not with the community and their loss, but it is with my friend and all those who love their mothers and could understand that such a loss is something that I cannot fully address with words. It makes me remember that life is short, that our parents are mortals and how important it is to honour them when we have the chance. Peace, love and prayers go out to Nadine.

30 years young!

2006-12-06T17:07:00.000-05:00

Today is my 30th birthday. It's funny because I always imagine that on my birthday I have special powers that make everything go my way. Today hopefully is no different. 30 is a milestone that deserves some reflection. I mean hopefully it marks the beginning of more knowledge and life changing experiences that I have grown accustomed to in my 20's without all the drama of saturn returns. I love when things come full circle. Speaking of cycles, today is ultra special in the greater realm of life and birthdays because my chinese birthday and my gregorian calendar birthday coincide for my 30th. Now that is a positive vibe to ride for the next ten years.

can't wait to eat ice cream cake.

REEL ASIAN for REAL!

2006-11-14T16:06:00.000-05:00

check the teaser

Come check out Dean's short film screening at the NFB mediatheque on Friday Nov 17 at 1pm:

Tubig For A Small World
Dir. Dean Vargas
2006, Canada, 8 min, Video

Tubig (pronounced TOO-big) in the Filipino dialect of Tagalog means "water". Through the currents of water and the actions of two young women at opposite ends of the world, this video examines global inequalities to natural resources. Working with a creative team of young artists, Vargas combines photographs of urban Toronto with shantytown streets in Thailand and the Philippines to construct a slick motion-graphics environmental adventure.

Tubig For a Small World was made for Trinity Square Video's Themed Commission Projects égalité. While exploring critical world issues, emerging director Dean Vargas took this opportunity to connect and learn about his culture.

life at home

2006-11-13T17:58:00.000-05:00

our house quintiples (???) as home, haven, gourmet kitchen, office and art studio. it is madness sometimes but at least now we have space for it. actually for once, our place is a hub of activity which i like. here's some homely pics of deans and i trying to amuse ourselves after delirious work schedules.

cheeky monkeys

deans in his office

short hair pics

peek a boo

okay okra

deans M.O.

feast your eyes

2006-11-13T16:46:00.000-05:00

here's some drawings and studies that i've been working on. my observation skills are getting pretty good if i might say so myself. i'm only confident enough to write that since i personally have been witnessing the growth in myself and it feels so good.

value drawing of a blender, light source from left, conte on paper

blender, light source from above, conte on paper

blender, light source from underneath, conte on paper

here's my latest drawing...a self-portrait drawn from a mirror. i know i look a bit intense but i find that to be revealing and it has a strong psychological effect. at first i was quite creeped out by how it looked, but overall, i think it was a good experience. i look like a mature version of myself...pensive, intense but completely open and exposed. makes me reflect on the idea of aging, maturing and turning 30 in another few weeks. with my next self portrait i will definately be more exploratory. but being my first go at it, i really wanted to emphasize accuracy and technique. i've included different versions of it. you'll see that i've cropped the final version because the lingerie just was not doing anything for the composition.

face up close, in progress

prior to the cropping, wearing a strapless

face up close, red lips

final product: pencil, willow charcoal, soft pastel on paper

Aggro Bitch

2006-11-13T16:23:00.000-05:00

I want to kill so many people today. But for clarification, I don't mean that literally - but you never know who might misinterpret your words on the internet. Ahhhh...the joys of being a writer and having your words sucked out of you like the last drop of blood on a zombie planet. I often think in times like these that a puppy would be the solution to all my problems. When I'm feeling aggro like this, then I'm sure a slobbering pup that lives and breathes for me would just make me feel like a million bucks while my words get reduced to nothing. Wish me happy editing.

i want a puppy!!!!!!!

art finds a home

2006-10-24T22:11:00.000-04:00

...outside of my home that is. my painting All is Fair in Love and War was auctioned off as part of a package at the fu-GEN fundraiser gala yesterday. it was swept up by Miss Saigon herself! (love and war pun not intended). apparently, she was super happy to have it and wanted to meet me and everything...even inquired about more work. this is a happy moment. as long as my work is taken by someone that really loves it and wants it, then that's all a mother can ask for.

this ain't no wok with yan

2006-10-17T00:49:00.000-04:00

i'm not sure why but i feel compelled to write about this man. it's not just because i find it fascinating that Susur Lee is the most famous chef in Toronto and that he's the bomb for actually drawing a tie with Bobby Flay on Iron Chef, but as a person, he's such a huge success story. i had the pleasure of dining at his bistro style restaurant Lee on the weekend, thanks to the lovely generosity of dean's aunt and uncle...actually, as part of pre-payment for a painting that i am actively imagining in my brain for them. needless to say, i thoroughly enjoyed the experience and find that despite his amazing success, Susur manages to be so incredibly humble, approachable and accessible to his many fans. food was beautifully presented, imaginative, playful and well worth the money. makes me proud to be a Lee. but in all honesty, i just wanted to catch of glimps of him tossing his deliciously long ponytail.

how art thou?

2006-10-17T00:03:00.000-04:00

here's some work i've been doing lately...though some have been for assignments. i need to represent harder though. i feel like if this was porn, i'd still be softcore.

All is Fair in Love and War? watercolour and felt on canvas

still life line drawing, charcoal on paper

negative space study, india ink on watercolour paper

Watch Me watercolour on canvas

my best friend's non wedding

2006-10-16T23:54:00.000-04:00

it occurred to me today after a long conversation with a friend of mine that as we continue to grow and change (which is inevitable) that sometimes we have to relearn how to relate to one another. i mean, this happens in intimate relationships all the time and it's probably what keeps healthy couples together...allowing each other to grow and to grow alongside one another. in keeping with the idea that all relationships need to be treated with similar care, maybe i know less about my friends than i thought. or maybe as life demands more of us, we demand more of our friends. there is no simple formula. i know that communication is the saving grace in all situations and even those of us who take pride in being open and honest sometimes falter.

The little engine that could

2006-09-26T01:15:00.000-04:00

I am so tired! In this month alone I have broken all my taboos. I am drinking coffee and lots of it. I never ever used to drink coffee. I haven't been to the gym in ages. I'm running on empty most of the time. I've been eating lots of processed foods. I've been spending money like a maniac and have got nothing to show for it. I've been eating chips for fuck's sake!!! I'm not sure what's gotten into me other than the intensity and busy-ness of fall has caught up and I have the need to just get comfort any way I can. I just finished my first assignment for my drawing class and I'm feeling so completely worn out. I can't believe I have to work tomorrow. Boo.

If someone could lend me a whole night's sleep, I'll be greatly appreciative.

It all falls down

2006-09-09T10:59:00.000-04:00

Check out this crazy performance art/sculpture by my friend Tej Ajji who is one of the most innovative and fearless artists I've seen in a long time. Little buildings constructed from fresh mint strips are then placed in people's mouths in Regent Park area to simulate the gradual destruction/reconstruction of the area. Brilliant!

http://www.ccca.ca/performance_artists/f/fado/tejpal_ajji/tejpal_ajji_perf1/index.html

So fresh and so clean

2006-09-09T10:19:00.000-04:00

'sour puss' inspired by the minute sculptures of erwin wurm

Having just moved to a new space, I have been consumed of late with the reorganizing and cleaning of our apartment. It's an amazing space in the Annex and spacious enough to allow for a healthy relationship and clearer state of mind. Space is refreshing. It has been so underrated all these years that I've crunched myself into small boxes of apartments only to save a little on rent or whatever. But September marks a change of many sorts. A new place. A new outlook. A new beginning yet again. Summer was great but it was with it's drawbacks as well. Work is slower in summer which feeds my hedonistic tendencies to fuck off and do nothing. So, while I had many chances to just relax and travel, I wasn't exactly making enough money to support my whims. That's the bum rap of freelancing. No work, no pay.

So, I was feeling a little stagnant at the end of summer. Feeling slow, not focussed on anything I was passionate about, not really motivated to do anything except maybe travel. Now, this kind of disillusionment is something I've become quite accustomed to being a Sagittarius. It's inherent to my personality that I am restless and always "wandering" in some form or another. But, as I get older, I become more aware of my ways...and learn to accept and deal with them. One day I may want to change my job, the other I might want to be a writer, artist, globetrotter and therapist all at once, and others I feel like I'm a jack of all trades with no specialty. You can see how easily I could sway. This summer has been a bit like that. Needing focus and stimulation for my much too active brain. At times I do feel like taking off and doing development work in Africa or Latin America. This is something I dream about daily. But, I know that until I achieve my goals of becoming a full time artist, I will have to settle for summer trips and 2 week jaunts at a time. Not bad I suppose but yet why do I feel so discontented? Repeated questioning leads to one answer...I'm just like that dammit. And maybe more people are like that than they'd like to admit.

So, September marks the fresh beginning that will hopefully quell my restless ruminations and give me something to focus on. Thankfully, those things are readily there and I feel the excitement of adrenalin that I long for so much. Did I mention that I'm an adrenalin junkie???? I begin art school at OCAD again and have been inspired by so many great artists around me. They constantly boggle my mind and impress me with their conceptual prowess and innovation. I am taking 2 days of drawing this term. Just basics I guess but they are gonna work us like dogs. 7 assignments of drawings/paintings that will have to meet the utmost quality in one term. Crazy. I am really a bit intimidated even though drawing and painting are my most familiar mediums. But, finally, by the end of this course, I hope to be completely proficient in my visual vocabulary and have the skills and confidence to draw/paint any mood, idea, concept I wish without doubting myself. Overcoming that nervousness and succeeding is like jumping off a cliff into icy cold lake water. What a rush.

Also, Dean and I are planning to get a puppy. Yes, we are becoming puppy parents soon and if all the stars align, we should have our little German Shepherd puppy by early November. In a couple of weeks, we go to visit the newborns and will take our pick. Soon, we will be wiping up pee and poop off the ground and dealing with chewed up furniture, but it all seems worth it to have a dog who will teach me to relax and love in a whole other way. Animal companionship is so great.

Anyway, other things in the works...an Art Therapy exhibit in October for my group of clients, a silent auction featuring an art piece of mine (still to be created?), and playwriting continuing through the winter. If that ain't enough for an overactive brain, I dunno what is.

Bushwacked

2006-08-23T01:08:00.000-04:00

I just got back from an intense 5 day trip to Temagami...the camping/portaging haven for outdoor aficionados looking for the hardest core challenge of their lives. Well at least that's how it felt. After 5 days of living out of a pack and tent, paddling through solitary lakes and hiking over beaver dams, cliff faces and bogs alike, I must say that I have been through quite the adventure. Being a rookie "portager", Temagami was no walk in the park. Even Algonquin seems like a breeze after this trip. Poor Dean had to carry the 50 pound canoe on his shoulders the whole time and yet still managed to keep a smile on his face. He's an amazing example of sportsmanship and humility. It's amazing what you can learn about people in this kind of environment where physical and mental challenges are so in your face and when teamwork is so crucial. A person's character can really show through...both good and bad. But, we managed to have an amazing time and not kill each other despite the many frustrations and difficulties along the way. More than anything, I feel proud of all of us for working so hard and proving that our relationship with nature is a delicate, yet powerful one demanding a tremendous amount of mutual respect. Stay tuned for pics to come...

Choparoo part II

2006-08-09T19:58:00.000-04:00

Well, I finally did it. After 3 years of growing my hair back to the luxurious long black mane of yesterday, I went and chopped it all off! I just walking into Coupe Bizarre and said, "give me a Mia Farrow haircut" and the rest is history. It's odd how we become so emotionally attached to hair. Maybe it's a product of our socialization or media images of beauty. Who knows. I wanted to challenge any fears I had about chopping it all off... Once it's done, you realize it isn't so bad; actually it's quite liberating and amazing. I think many of our fears in general work the same way. The anxiety is in the anticipation and the uncertainty. I'm always seeking ways to push myself to the limits. While hair is not necessarily a measure of my willpower, it certainly is an interesting phenomenon that some women fear losing that certain image they've become accustomed to and feel so safe with. I feel like Linus ditching his security blanket. It was Linus right? Anyway, my once adored tresses are now sitting in a bag, bound in a ponytail. I'm saving it for the cancer programs or something to that effect. It's so weird seeing something that was once so much a part of me looking like some limp appendage severed and hastily dumped into a bag. Kinda gross. Me on the other hand, I couldn't feel more new.

Create Create Create!

2006-07-31T02:37:00.000-04:00

Okay, there's still a month of summer left...but I am already buzzing with new excitement for the artistic pursuits in the pipeline for fall. I have officially begun my playwriting circle again. A group of 10 writers meet regularly for a year to write and produce our pieces for the stage. We will be given the best support that we could ask for...with amazing directors, dramaturges and actors. Dean and I are both involved and will be writing our own pieces. I had originally wanted to develop my first piece further (the one I wrote last summer for Nightwood Theatre) but I may actually try my hand at something different. New inspiration is everywhere, everyday. Speaking of which, I am still working on writing kids stories for a reading manual. It has been great so far. The publisher asked for our input for the illustrations and the artist has taken our comments and flew with them. I'm so thrilled with how it looks so far and can't believe that my stories will be published in full illustration!

I have also registered for my next set of classes at OCAD (Ontario College of Art and Design). I'm taking twice as many courses this year (though still part time) but I'm really looking forward to being completely immersed in it. It will be a challenge, but I thrive in situations like these. I have declared my major in Sculpture and Installation and feel really excited about it. I'm taking an experimental course in the 2nd term that will allow me to get my hands on all kinds of materials. So exciting!!! With the writing and the art, I should be a busy little bee once September hits. Just the change of pace I need.

For now, I'm trying to keep myself inspired by good books and hopefully get around to finishing a painting or two. Has anyone read Kite Runner? I love this book!!! Please blog me about it b/c I want to discuss it with anyone who has read it...

ciao for now

Love is in the Air

2006-07-31T00:21:00.000-04:00

Here's some pics from my recent visit to Vancouver.

the hottest day of the year in vancity and we are roasting

me and meliss

UPT reunited

the boys

danny on the digital 1's and 2's

flower girl and ring bearer

poor girl took a spill coming down the stairs but you could never tell with that smile

here comes the bride!

all dressed in white!

beautiful flowing dress

exchanging rings

the happy bride and groom

you may kiss the bride

phew! they did it, let's run for shade

bert and ernie

me and my dapper looking boyfriend

perdip pondering his next drink

several shades darker now

all laughs when old friends get together

linna and the boys

wow, the crew almost complete

at the reception, we are anticipating the 10 course meal and of course the open bar!

cheers to the new bride and groom

is this just a chinese tradition?

linna and i...this is her second wardrobe change into a lovely cheung sam

linna hunted by the paparazzi and we are her adoring fans

oldskool pals just like it was yesterday...

the garter!

brad getting props from the boys

contrary to popular belief, boys can fall in love with each other at weddings too...as evidenced by this silly looking pair

this is what a whole bottle of whiskey can do to you

Sum and i...she's my oldest and one of my dearest friends, we played together since kindergarten, wrote poems to each other and even stole candy together at 7-11!!!

it's getting hot in here

so take off all your clothes

i am getting so hot, i'm gonna take my clothes off!

leave it to the YMCA to bring out the best in people

table dancing is a new wedding tradition

get down and dirty on the dancefloor

this was the best wedding i've ever been to in a while...what a wild and crazy night...and it was all about the couple!

I recently got back from a nice relaxing trip to Vancouver...it is wondrous what a some fresh air, nature, a good book and loving friends and family can do for you. I must say, after this trip, I feel like my focus has changed slightly. I reconnected with so many people and was surrounded with so much love that I am really feeling that I want to strengthen all my most important relationships that way. After all, relationships are about loving and sharing and appreciating. I look back at the past and even though I might have had misunderstandings and maybe even drama with some people, the fact of the matter is we all made it this far and we love each other deep down no matter what. Guys are always great. I always feel refreshed with how honest guys are about things and how you might not see them forever, but they are still so cool with you just like highschool days. I'm not saying girl relationships are complicated. After all, I have a solid crew of wonderful ladies that I share such a profound mutual trust and love with. I am forever thankful for my sistas.

I am also grateful for clarity. There comes a time when you look at yourself and see the culmination of all your mistakes, insecurities, triumphs, successes, failures, hopes and dreams and you realize that, leading up to that very moment, everything was meant to happen exactly as it did. Everything is everything. Thanks Lauryn Hill for putting it so beautifully. Sharing that growth with others, witnessing others' hopes and dreams manifest after all is said and done...that is one of the purest moments of love.

I went to Vancouver primarily to see one of my oldskool girlfriends get married. Words cannot express the joy I felt for her. While our relationship hasn't always been smooth, somewhere along the way, I think we just realized that the paths we took individually have strengthened our understanding of ourselves and therefore each other. Being there and seeing her so happy was priceless. Reconnecting with my crew in such a happy moment also made me feel so much more bonded with them. I was on a verge of tears the whole trip (and actually did shed some) be it when my mom said "Since having her baby, Sum has gotten even more beautiful" or watching Linna walk down the aisle with the biggest smile I'd ever seen on her face, I was a big ball of sentimentality. All you had to do was poke the sponge and I'd drip tears for days. Even my mom's comment is another reminder of how she is also witnessing a growth amongst my friends...the same ones I have known since my hoodrat days. I never expected it, but it really made me value each and every one of my friends more seeing how much each of us has grown...and how we are still together through it all.

Weddings. This is the time and the age. The second wave is here. I have in my more extreme days felt opposed to the institution of it. I even went so far as to believe that it was just a tool to make women complacent and prevent them from achieving their true place in the world. Well, while some people do give marriage a bad rap (spelling?) and go through the motions like good little middle class zombies sometimes do, there are those who give the whole idea of love, marriage and commitment a hopeful and enduring quality. When marriage is a celebration of love, a testament of how much you want to declare your love for someone else and to share that ritual with others so that they may give you their blessing for the adventures that may come (and there will be plenty) then it can be so brilliant and beautiful. Yes! True love exists! For all those that true love has eluded, then in that moment of witnessing it, one can at least feel hopeful about new beginnings...for everyone. In the flurry of wedding activity, a number of other friends have gotten engaged or are getting married in the near future. This is my biggest wedding year yet. I think I can count 5 or 6 announcements amongst my friends in total! Wow. Congrats Irene and Jun, Len and Rozalyn, Alexis and Matt, Terri and Marc, and who's next?

But all sappy stuff aside, a wedding is just a good excuse to throw a massive party in your honour and serve up some damn good food. Oh...and don't forget the table dancing!!!

Rained Out

2006-07-02T15:15:00.000-04:00

To continue our streak of bad luck with landlords, we recently got rained out of our apartment. In other words, there was some flooding...nothing too serious so I didn't lose anything of extreme value...but FRUSTRATING nonetheless. To top it all off, we have to move our shit out of our place so that they can do repairs. Now, you would think this would be a deal breaker, but our landlords are complete assholes and only see us as $$$$ and refuse to let us break the lease with no questions asked. I even offered 60 days rent to get them off our backs, but got yelled at and belittled for inconveniencing them and not taking responsibility to find another tenant! To say the least, I am feeling very vengeful right now. However, I think I need to breathe a bit before I consider taking the matter to the tribunal. My impression is that the tribunal is more sympathetic to landlords rather than tenants. In the meantime, we turned down the option of staying at our landlord's $1700 luxury suite that they offered us for a week and instead have moved over to our neighbour's for the summer. They offered their house to us for free while they are away. I have to say, their kindness has been overwhelming. Just when I was starting to lose my faith in people, these amazing angels put their arms around us and kept us safe. I guess that in life you'll get some bad, but it will answer right back with something good. So I'm trying to stay positive, all the while hoping that my renting days will soon be over.

French Food Mon Amour

2006-06-19T14:21:00.000-04:00

What better way to spend a Friday evening than to cuddle up with your favourite honey at a dark french bistro sipping fine wine and eating frites? Well from one food connoisseur to another, I recently found a local gem in my neighborhood called Bistro Tournesol. I have passed by this place tons of times and always made fun of the dusty old white people that came here. But, after meeting some dude at a party that used to work there and hearing his glowing praises about the resident chef, I couldn't wait to see for myself if his french cooking was really as mouth-watering as it sounded. Dean and I were not disappointed. Unbelieveable and by far, some of the best french food I've had since being in France some years ago. What's great about french food is of course how simple and understated the cooking can be even though the flavours and ingredients are rich and often orgasmic. For a decent fixed price, you have a choice of 2 courses. I chose the mussles and white bass, both delectable!!! I could barely speak it was so good. Dean opted for the escargots (of course you gotta go as french as possible) and the lightly seared liver. I am not a fan of liver, but i must say, it opened my eyes seeing how tender and juicy Dean's dish was. And of course, the escargots in butter and garlic were amazing. The mussles I had were cooked lightly in a white wine, thyme and garlic butter broth. Very mild which was perfect to bring out the natural flavour of the mussles. My main course was a lightly breaded white bass, coated with some japanese type of flake and sprinkled with sesame oil and a touch of chili spice. Without a doubt some of the best food I've eaten in a long time and generous servings complete with a side of frites. And it even inspired us to cook some mussles ourselves the next day. It has been a weekend of complete culinary abandon as we thew off the gloves and tore in hard core in the kitchen. Goes to show a good fancy meal is worth it sometimes. Also, I must admit that I've misjudged the place. I would recommend to anyone.

bon appetit!

CD cover art

2006-06-14T11:08:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to share the CD cover art I did for a local spoken word artist, Gein Wong. It was my first CD cover and my first foray into digital art beyond classwork. I am excited about it and it's actually really awesome to have something concrete that I've done that's been successful and people are diggin'.

I believe that the CD can be bought at the Toronto Women's Bookstore and other select places...or look her up at MySpace.com

Dr. Lena Seuss?

2006-06-14T10:55:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone. Thanks for all those who have come to the blog to check out the pics from cuba and reading about our adventures. Writing and photography, like all arts are so much more interactive when you can share them. I am still waiting to start the next playwriting unit with fu-Gen come late summer or fall? In the meantime, I am putting my writing to other use for the program that I work for at Sick Kids that works with kids with reading problems. I usually contract myself out to do psychological and intelligence testing for them, but another opportunity has come up where I am getting to write some stories that will be published in a reading manual for this very program. Ultimately, I think they will market the whole thing internationally. What that means for my writing is that I get to be a little kid again! I'm trying to think with the mind of a child and engage them with stories that are written with the vocabulary and sounds that they are being taught. The challenge is that there are limited words to work with and each lesson is controlled so I can't write words starting with the letter B until the B sound is introduced many weeks into it. But, i have been able to have some fun with it, making fantasy and childhood a constant preoccupation in my mind. Most stories sound a bit like Dr. Seuss, but hey that's what kids like and believe me, it isn't as easy as it sounds. I wish I could post one, but b/c of publishing issues, I can't. Too bad. But the important thing is I'm getting to write and do something different for a while which is how I like my life...constantly new and changing!

adieu

Cuba Part II

2006-06-01T16:41:00.000-04:00

vintage rides

playa esmerelda

dean learns how to make a grilo

sunkissed

kitty who dined with us

curious cat

farmland amidst the mountains

huts along the scenic road from Banes to Holguin City

viva revolucion, viva fidel?

in Banes

Banes local

check the extra seating on this bike

bar in Holguin City

hidden cafe in Holguin City

chillin in Holguin City

canton exists outside of china

cowbow country

fruit stands along the farm road to Holguin City

paseo libertado in Holguin City

contestents of the next reality show: so you think you can model

magic hour on the beach

band probably singing 'besame mucho' for the millionth time

deans and tony

outside the elementary school

at the ration store

dean inside the home of a local fisherman

banana plant

little boy in fishing village

deans and i at playa guadalavaca

So, the remainder of our trip was eye opening. If you haven't read the previous post, I suggest you do so to get updated. Anyhow, in Holguin City, we saw a snapshop of real Cuban life. It is anything but glamorous...people begging for money, empty ramshackle stores with locals smoking or just hanging out not doing very much, limited variety of goods to buy and actually the food we had wasn't very good at all. If you can get past all this, Holguin City is full of charm because of the hidden treasures, the lovely bars, converted colonial homes and lively street culture. But without some local help, the typical tourist would hardly know they existed b/c of the unmarked plain doors that hide them. Local street culture is interesting...fried pig skin chicharon on the street served in little paper cones, drinking is permitted everywhere along the covered promenade, corner bike bars and colourful characters on the streets.

After chilling at the patio chatting for awhile, we were hit with a torrential rain storm. It was so crazy that it started pouring onto the patio from the canopy in a steady heavy stream. It was exciting though b/c we managed to stay covered and dry for awhile. Soon the streets were overflowing like rivers and locals were stunned yet happy that the rain had finally come in such grand proportions. Everyone stayed under the covered promenade that bordered the main square and we just chilled with them eating hot peanuts some dude was selling. At some point, we decided to check out more spots and walk around. We didn't get far before we met some other locals who spoke English and seemed very curious and eager to help us. They were young and strangely cosmopolitan judging by their colourful clothes. They just wanted to party and hang out so they took us to a hidden little bar where they shared copious amounts of Havanna Club rum with me con cola. Going in was intimidating with mean lookin' cuban dudes standing at the door looking us up and down as if we're entering locals only territory. Once inside, it was this dusty dark bar with an open air courtyard strung with hanging vines of flowers. The rain poured down like a waterfall and added to the rawness of the place. Awesome. It was interesting meeting people and connecting based on such limited vocabulary, but the beauty of it was that we made it happen. Later on, our friends Sylvie and Patrice joined us and our new local friends took us to yet another stunning little spot hidden down a small desolate street. Dodging bikes and rain spillage everywhere, we finally make it to the spot and they pound demandingly on the heavy door for them to let us in. The woman inside opens it and looks at me confused but we had 'ins' with these people so they let us in. It was spectaclar. Imagine and old colonial home with beautiful tiling, an open courtyard below a columned terrace full of plants. A sculpture of one of the daughters of the rich man that once owned the place is perched overseeing the garden. Story goes that of the 3 daughters, she was favoured and the other 2 were madly jealous that she was the only one who they made a sculpture for. The rooms had high columned ceilings, wrought iron gates and beautiful murals of vines were painted on the walls. This place was a fully functioning restaurant and cafe and a crazy disco at night. We had every intention of returning that evening for salsa dancing but the rum did me in. Once we got there, I started my progressive decline and at first I felt like I couldn't keep my eyes open and then suddenly, I'm saying my prayers to the porcelain god in the bathroom. I made about 4 trips back and forth while everyone else is chillin' in the lounge. Eventually one of the waitresses came to check on me and asked, "Cafe con leche?" concerned that I had become sick from their milk. I waved her my answer as I continued to blow the shit out of my nose. Yuck! Or, it could have been the terrible shrimp pizza I had on the patio but the likely culprit was the rum...i finally understand why this alcohol receives such fearful reactions at the mere mention of it's name. Strangely, I managed to maintain my composure and once I was through, I was fully conscious and alert again. We decided to head back to Playa Esmerelda shortly and said goodbye to our friends. Dean bit it on the wet street and Patrice had a collision with a cyclist...all a result of the unstoppable rainstorm...but we managed to get back to our car (which was still there!) in one piece. Getting out of the city proved difficult with a bunch of soaking wet tourists in a car who don't speak much spanish and especially when every street looked the same. In our confusion, we happened upon some more interesting looking neighbourhoods and residential areas with flooded roads before finding our way back to the short road home that we took the previous day on the scooter.

Back at the resort, it seemed like a different world. The shock of this was enough to cause dissonance in anyone...I felt like I was in the film "The World" (a must see) centering on the fragile lives of characters who work and live in a fancy theme park in China. The theme park is a 'trip' (in more than one respect) around the world in a day because of it's miniature versions of world monuments found at the different 'continents' accessible by monorail. Hired workers (mostly Chinese nationals, but some Russians, etc) work as dancers and performed in nightly shows with fantastic glittering costumes. The lives of the staff and those of the people who went to this place are tangled together unknowingly in a lack of authenticity. In fact, the movie starkly highlights how much of a farce it is when these institutions exist to create an illusion. In reality the people who portray this illusion live in dilapidated and desperate conditions and really know nothing of the life they work so hard to provide. In returning to the resort after our trip, I felt conflicted that I enjoyed the comfort I had, yet hated what I was willingly partaking in. Not easily understood or solved, but I guess the underlying point is we can't let our comforts blind us from the responsibility that comes with our priviledge.

The rest of our days we spent chillin' without any major excursions except some horseback riding in the surrounding hills where we explored a bat cave. Dean had fun swiggin' a whole mickey of rum with our cowboy guide. He got on well with him with no more than 10 words in his range of spanish vocabulary. We rode back through a local village, treated our guy to some dry goods from a local store and then spent our afternoons swimming, snorking and lazing on the beach.

The last couple of days, we made sure we found all the locals we made friends with at the resort and handed out the many hygiene products that we bought in Canada intended for humanitarian purposes. Everyone was so grateful since many of the things we take for granted such as soap, toothpaste, toothbrushes, etc. are very difficult to afford after food and other necessities. On our last day, our friend Yuri who worked at the resort and who kindly brought me limes from home to make tea with (because I had gotten sick with a cough) came to see us off at the airport. He had biked from the city to meet us and brought with him a bottle full of honey that he got just for me. On it he put a self-made label that read "Pure Bee Honey" above the caption "Sweet Friendship". I was instantly humbled and gracious with this utterly cute gesture. He also brought Dean a gigantic seashell as a token of his friendship and appreciation. It's amazing that despite having so little, he made a conscious effort to make a symbolic exchange of friendship and comraderie.

Now back in Canada, my cough is fading with the antibiotics, much like my tan. Our sweet memories of Cuba continue and as always, we are forever changed and grateful for it.

Cubano Cubano!!!

2006-05-22T10:24:00.000-04:00

luvin' on the beach

hummingbird nest

sunbathing cat

converted colonial home in Holguin City

characters on the promenade

at the main square in Holguin City

deans on the patio at Holguin City

colourful buildings in Banes

passing through a village

lively Banes

walking into the sunset

paradise found

filling up the scooter at Holguin City

beach bbq

old man in fishing village eager to show off his toro horns

local woman who shared some fresh bananas with me

a local home in Boca de Samma

schoolchildren in Boca de Samma

ride into town

I've been absent lately I know, but for good reason. After a rush of projects and lots of excitement, Dean and I decided to take off to Cuba for a much deserved trip of rest, relaxation and of course, adventure. At first, we were thinking that the adventure part would be absent since we got a package deal that was all-inclusive, but we soon found that limiting and ventured out to find our own version of CUBA. Sigh...the trip was just amazing. It's sad to be back and also, it's a bit of a culture and weather shock to be back in tdot. I think that often all-inclusives cater to those who just want to be comfortable and pampered during their travels. And while i easily enjoyed these comforts (like who wouldn't love to have amazing food and seated toilets), i also found that they held us back from seeing what the people really lived like in Cuba. From a very voyeuristic perspective, the effect is that people travel to a destination and never really feel the lack of their creature comforts and thus, never really connect to what it is that a place like Cuba is without...how families of 11 people live in a little house, how there's really no toilets like we know except at the resorts, how they are forbidden from travelling in private cabs, watch anything other than state regulated TV stations (there's 4 in total), be able to buy cough syrup (this i experienced first hand since i got sick the first day i arrived and couldn't find cough syrup ANYWHERE) and how the resort illusion is really just that - created for the tourists and really is such a falsity that is hard to really comprehend when you meet and understand the locals more. Now, i'm not about to say that i didn't enjoy being in a comfy clean place b/c i did. I guess i'm saying that it's not REAL and i knew it. It has it's place for the tired and "doesn't want to bother" tourist but it also is good for budgeting b/c it did end up being pretty cheap for us considering the way we were eating, the selection of food and drinks and of course, the beautiful stretch of coastline was breathtaking.

Anyhow, back to what our version of Cuba was like...i have tons of pics that i will post soon. It was both our first time in Cuba and the Carribbean (if Cuba can be loosely considered the Carribbean) but my 3rd time in a Spanish speaking country. What little Spanish I knew did come in handy and i was surprised with the ease that Dean was able to pick it up since I guess some words are very similar to Tagalog. We were in the northeastern part of Cuba called Holguin. Not far is Holguin city which is the 3rd largest city in Cuba. Our place ended up being by an amazing stretch of secluded beach that was incomparable to others in the area. The water was crystal clear and so clean. Sometimes we'd be swimming near the beach and a massive fish would come and say hello. It was pretty spectacular. It didn't take long for our skin to turn golden and once we got tired of the beach, we'd just make our way to the beach bar where i could have unlimited snacks and drinks and ice cream. Not bad for someone who just landed in paradise!!! The resort itself was also quite amazing. While i can be uncomfortable with the idea of resorts all i want, the whole place was beautiful with landscaping, massive coconut and banana trees everwhere. it was an ecological excursion in and of itself. Dean and I had fun just going on little discovery walks where we'd find lizards, toads, crabs, humming birds, bats, etc all within our massive complex. They have taken great care to make it as beautiful as possible with greenery and beautiful wild flowers everywhere. It was almost like staying in a massive botanical garden.

Our first trip was to a local fishing village called Boca de Samma, where we visited an elementary school, went to a local home and also saw the local ration store. All along the way, our guide Jorge gave us uncensored political commentary and talked about the realities that people live in. It was pretty troubling. I met some very kind people in this village. Most cannot avoid calling me "china" but after awhile, I realized that it wasn't meant as an offense, but rather was their only way of identifying me. One lady who I bought a bracelet from later appeared with bananas and offered one to me for free. The people in the village were very curious about us and welcomed us into their homes to take pictures. I felt intrusive, but at the same time, curious so I took them up on it. Here i began to feel the intense inequalities that existed and tried to balance them anyway i could considering all the while that i cannot judge what i see with first world eyes.

We later borrowed bikes and made our way to the neighboring town Guadalavaca, which is a beachfront town that exists purely for the resort economy. Strangely, there was nothing there at all...except a small flea market where you could buy handicrafts and stuff and a stretch of beach that was not nearly as nice compared to playa esmeralda where we were staying. however, the ride there was interesting. we passed many little villages and ghettos where the locals lived and tried to venture into one but we were unfortunately intercepted by the village drunk that demanded that he show us the casas for a fee. we jetted out of there quick. the land surrounding this whole area where we were staying looked quite dry at this time since they hadn't seen rain in a long time. All the grass was yellow and burnt and most locals were hoping for a storm. The heat was relentless indeed and many times I would look up to see a swarm of vultures looming above waiting for the next animal (or human) to kick it. it was scary b/c I wasn't sure if vultures attacked living people so their proximity made me a bit anxious. With time however, i realized that nobody else was worried about it so i was fine. I guess the best way to describe Holguin province is agricultural. We were in total farm and cowboy country. It was kinda crazy that you would find this incredible beach and beautiful landscape in the middle of barren and dry land. We didn't mind it so much though because it was as it is and we enjoyed watching all the cowboys riding their horses and the farmers driving their carts down the street. There's really 4 main kinds of transport in Holguin...horses, scooters, bikes and then cars and this doesn't change for Holguin city ironically!

The next day we rented scooters to ride to Holguin city in search for a glimps of city life. We were told that it was an hour away but it turned out to be an hour and a half on scooter and we only made it into the centre of town in time to turn around and go back. Bummer. Nonetheless, we got some good shot on the drive over of the many fruit stands and local villages and homes along the way. Everyone was so nice and waved at us as we passed. The sky was looming rain as we turned back and it started to come down a little but we made it back with no problems. Both of us were thankful that evening when it stormed that the land would get some much needed rain. We were resolved to return to Holguin city the next day by car to have more time to chill and explore the place. From my brief glimps, it already was a different world than Guadalavaca area and promised to feed my need to search for something deeper.

Against the Transat reps efforts to dissuade us to rent a car and venture to Holguin alone (b/c she's a fearful and boring woman) we did just that and invited a bunch of friends we'd made at the resort. We left with two car and in ours were our friends Sylvie and Patrice from Montreal. We hung out with them a lot both on and off the resort and soon I found my french was improving much faster than my spanish, which i'm not complaining about. Our route this time was different...we decided to take the road through the mountains and through Banes, a small town perched in the middle of the rolling hills of Holguin province. The scenery was absolutely breathtaking...palm tree forests, lush green hills and abundant little huts and villages everywhere we went. It was quite the adventure as we followed the curving road to Banes. Banes is a small town populated with locals, most of whom travel an hour and a half each day to work at the resorts. I loved it here. There were barely any tourists in sight and the town seemed to have so much character and culture. We stopped by the square for a quick break but were immediately swamped by desperate locals wanting to wash our car or just be our guides, etc. so we left shortly, but if I had more time, I would have loved to explore the little narrow alleyways and local shops. The thing about Cuba though is that there isn't much to buy in local shops etc. They carry the necessities available to Cubans and are often government approved stores so really there is nothing interesting to purchase. Nonetheless, there would have been many opportunities to explore here given that the streets looked really walkable and colourful.

On the road again, we head another 2 hours through the roaming hillside and farms and finally make it Holguin city. This route took us much longer b/c of the stop at Banes and as well being the scenic road. Once in Holguin, we are inundated with traffic chaos. There is only one light at the main road by the gas station. Everywhere else, anything goes and you're battling it out with horsedrawn carriages, mopeds, cars, bikes and cowboys. Pretty crazy. Also, every turn, you are in another narrow street of stucco homes with white wrough-iron gates so you really don't know which way is which. The streets were so crazy looking, and the buildings so old and historical. We found our way to the main square surrounded by two parks, where, as in my experience in Spain, is the centre of all activity. Here we split up for the rest of the crew to do our own thing. Dean was tired from the driving and we chilled on a patio and gulped down a couple of local beers while making conversation with the guy working there who spoke perfect english, french and german in addition to his native spanish. Incredible!!! I spoke both french and english to him and he impressed me with his ability to crack jokes and stuff. He told us that his parents made him study french and english when he was in school. The cool thing is, in Cuba, everyone has access to school and you can learn anything if you want to. Unfortunately, you can be as bright as the sun, but you will get paid the same salary as everyone else...whether you are a doctor, a teacher, a fisherman, or a bartender. What's different are the tips or the fringe benefits of each job. Like a doctor gets to travel and buy goods in north america which he/she is allowed to keep and eventually sells on the black market to compensate for their salary. Other people don't have this access and therefore are shit out of luck. But, the good jobs according to cubans are those at the resort like room cleaners, bartenders, wait staff because in addition to the salary, they get tips from tourists in convertible pesos that eventually can add up to more than the monthly salary. So, at the resort, we found very educated people who were formerly teachers or engineers who now worked in their current jobs b/c the money was better. Imagine that.

Well, I have more to write...so stay tuned for pics and part II of the trip. I have to go have some dim sum before it's too late.

Happy Victoria Day.

Back to biking!

2006-04-27T16:04:00.000-04:00

yay! i rode my bike today and it made me so happy. but what is it about spring...as soon as someone shows a little bit of neckline, all the dirty old men are leering at you from their cars. gross. but despite the gross men, which exist everywhere, this is the toronto i like...sunny and (getting) warm.

i am busy packing away and learning that i can live in hiatus and not have a panic attack. if you took one look at my apartment right now, you'd understand. but, what am i crying about anyway? everyone goes through it. i've just been through it about 6 times in the last 6 years. but what better reward than to have dean screen his short film shortly after and then...dun da da dum...we are heading to sunny and oh so wonderfully warm CUBA a week later!!!!! YES!!!! this is the reward that i've been waiting for. i can't wait to put on a bikini (well....actually...squishy), lie on a beach, swim in the ocean, ride a bike up the hills and play with the iguanas. i've forgotten how healthy my skin can be because all this cold has surfaced all kinds of skin problems and dryness. just a little bit of sun and i will be nicely golden again. besides, dean and i need to give our selves a nice breather before resuming full swing to our responsibilities in toronto. you know what they say, work hard and PLAY HARD!!!

Congrats to the Sultry Sultan

2006-04-24T19:58:00.000-04:00

Congrats to Samer Muscati...the love toy of the lovely Sandra Chu...for his cover photo of the monks playing soccer which will appear in an upcoming book. Just click on the above image to take a closer look. Proves when the dynamic duo is not out solving the world's human right's violations, they are up to some pretty cool and creative stuff. Oh and San, congrats on your publication!!!

xo

Tubig Screening May 4th @ Cinecyle!!!!

2006-04-24T16:13:00.000-04:00

hello hello...

it's been a busy week of packing and balancing the excitement of moving to a new pad and the frustrations of living amidst boxes in the meantime. i can't wait to get out of here. our current landlord bites and we've resorted to calling her "ugly" everytime she's around. ugly on the inside but who really cares anyway...she's whack overall. anyway, much excitement to report...Dean's film TUBIG for a SMALL WORLD is screening along with 4 other short films on Thursday May 4th at Cinecyle (just behind the 401 Richmond building at 129 Spadina Ave, down the alley). Show kicks off at 8pm and the cost is $7 for non members. Please come out and support. I assure you that this single piece of work will catapult Dean to a whole new level of filmmaking and hopefully land him some yummy gigs here on in that allow him to flex his creative superpowers. I am so proud of him!!! Anyway, a bit about the film, it is a motion graphics adventure, following the parallel lives of two women (actually played by the same woman but i worked some makeup and wardrobe magic on her): one who lives in the busy metropolis of toronto and the other in rural philippines. The ironic relationship is highlighted by exploring the role of water and how it connects all of us, rich and poor. for those who aren't familiar with motion graphics, just think, all these scenes were filmed in front of a green screen (kinda to the effect of Sin City) and the environments were later created and composited to build a visual adventure. Don't get it? Well come on out and you will see. I have included some stills to give you a taste.

for more info about preproduction, see www.tubigforasmallworld.com

much love

Rest is underrated!

2006-04-19T17:33:00.000-04:00

i have recently just come out of a whirlwind of work, projects coming out of my ears, wrapping up classes and other fun things. now just recovering and learning that rest can be oh so wonderful. easter was a weekend of complete gluttany. our friend gerald was in town from NYC and we were reunited with tdot/vancity transplant, josh. together with deans and i and josh's UK chef brotherman, we made a pretty mean eating machine. it was one hot eating spot to the next and 2 days of indian food (dunno 'bout you, but i needed a salad after that)! first, we hit Lahore Tikka, which i must say, is my FAVORITE indian restaurant in toronto. nothing like eating to crazy bhangara house music pounding in your ear. i just love the rawness of this place, like it transports you into southeast asia immediately when you walk in. and though it's a little ghetto with the styrofoam plates and all, the bbq and tikka masala are to die for. mmmmmm!!!! day 2, it's all about Ghandi's Roti on Queen W. oh my god, if you haven't discovered this place yet, you're missing out the some of the best indian food wrapped into super hugemungous naan rotis the size of your head (or at least my head). but, i must say, all that eating has been stretching my stomach out in really uncomfortable ways. i resorted to sit ups every day to plan for the much anticipated vacation i'm taking in may. oh ya baby!!!! back to easter weekend, i went home after ghandi's to sleep it off and got up to get ready for the next eating feast at a friend's party in the annex with a massive huge roast pig!!!! can't say that i really cared for the people there, met some cool filmmakers, writer and a hot photographer chick who has stuff showing for the contact photo fest. the rest were some lame ass people looking to overcompensate for something, but i ain't hating...just want to keep a distance and really appreciating the cool people that i do know. so, we traded spaces and hit josh's friend's party at Gem Diner. Super chilled cool crowd and cute little spot not too far from my place. i love that in toronto, you're just constantly discovering new and exciting places to hang out. birthday celebrant Diego and i picked each other's brains about important world issues like backpacking and riding our bikes to kensington market in the summer. awesome. but what's most awesome was moving from super high ego party to super chilled in one night. gerald and josh left the next day for NYC and i admit i was pretty sad. miss having guy friends who just kick it you know? since then, i've just been appreciating the quiet that i've been alien to for so long. class is done, all the projects are wrapped and even my taxes are complete. not bad. the only thing on my mind now is sleeping in as often as i can, moving and vacation...and of course supporting deans as he finishes his short film which screens at cinecycle on may 4th. make sure you come out and see this amazing piece of work. it will blow your pants off!

The Long or Short of it

2006-04-11T00:06:00.000-04:00

so the age old debate continues...ha! leave the hair long or cut the hair short?!

guys: almost always say keep it long
girls: a toss up, but more generally open minded than guys

so, the thing is, what are the standards of beauty that we all fall prey to and how comfy am i falling into some kind of category? i wanna chop my hair off, but previous experiences remind me that the guck isn't worth it and being "stylish" girl while i'm jogging, taking out the trash in my robe or just plain feeling "unstylish" is a bit tired. sometimes i'm just plain lazy...nothing's easier than wash and go and long straight hair is really just that simple. but, how do we moderate these confusing impulses in life: quit my job or stay, safety or artist route, eat meat or not, consumerism or walk away, guys or girls, commitment or open relationship...and yes long hair or short hair!!! you get the idea right?

not only is this just frivolous fun, but really, hair can influence how you feel about the stage of life you're moving into and must reflect change. seeing that it's spring, we should all give in and get ourselves mohawk fades.

Live Art In Progress - Tracing Our History

2006-04-10T23:27:00.000-04:00

so it begins...doors just opening now
check out this picture i'm tracing, isn't it haunting?

dude, how come you're always so stylin?

by tracing our subject, we trace the footsteps of the ancestors and our place in history

art as process...part way done and audience is heading in for the show

Tracing Our History

2006-04-10T23:19:00.000-04:00

check the words close up...

"Tracing Our History" finito!

the artists

2006-04-10T23:17:00.000-04:00

deans and leens

2006-04-10T23:15:00.000-04:00

Killer Collabo

2006-04-10T01:38:00.000-04:00

exhausted, excited and elated! i don't know any other way to describe how i'm feeling now...after an awesome evening being completely free with my art, alongside one of the artists i respect the most. i'm so pleased, i might just write all run-on sentences! anyway, my friend norman yeung and i did a performance visual art piece today at factory and it was soooo much fun. we started out with a projected image...tracing it...and kinda just playing, winging it as went along. what made it so awesome was creating art with someone i vibed so well with, who was so free and open to embracing the moment, flow and the energy of the place. the artwork progressed organically and in the end, we were both so happy with the result. many of the people at the show really were diggin' it as well, taking time to talk to us and share their impressions. it was nice and interactive that way. oh!!! such fun!!! the freedom i felt today really connected me to the reasons i love art in the first place. sometimes i think i put so much pressure on myself to do something "relevant" that it no longer has the spontaneity that art is all about. i feel like i've reconnected to that and i'm also really loving drawing and painting again. i guess as an artist, one will grow and change and continue to explore until the day they can no longer can move. what was so surprising was that, in our spontaneity, we created something much more raw and relevant than we originally imagined.

i am uploading some images soon...we started with a plain 3.5 x 5 ft. canvas, began tracing the outline of the subject, then continued with the shading and background. this all began just as the doors of the theatre opened to the audience so people were coming in and watching us as we worked. then, when the show began, we continued our work and allowed ourselves to be inspired by the words of the play. we wrote those words all over the canvas...and you will see, it looks maddening. the image itself is quite haunting. it is an archival image of an immigrant chinese man wearing a western hat. he was one of the first canadian immigrants that broke their backs for people like norman and i to follow. we chose this image because his expression was so full of pride and sentimentality and if you look, i'm sure you will agree that it is amazing. now, the piece is drying in my house and i can't wait to put it up in my new apartment, come may. some people were asking if they could buy it, but i think that this piece is one for my private collection.

oh, and thanks so much to dean for always being there to support and for buying me an eggplant burrito. he is the bestest a girl can ask for.

ahhh...sweet dreams...

i miss my mom's cooking back in vancity

2006-04-08T14:28:00.000-04:00

bhangara bash

2006-04-08T13:16:00.000-04:00

last night i broke out of my winter cocoon and hung out with a bunch of really amazing women...partying it up in the village. nice...except the guys at the 2nd club were all about pressing up to you and being super harsh aggressive. it was quite funny considering many of the women weren't into the men! but i guess that's what bhangara fever does to you. danced with one dude with long dreds (to his credit, he wasn't one of those leeches mentioned above) that said i had a vancity freak-on. ha! anyway, i love south asian peeps and their appreciation of beats and dancing. what would this world be if we couldn't vent out energies by hittin' the dance floor?

lovely clothes in clement virgo's film

2006-04-07T12:36:00.000-04:00

i must say, after indulging in a bit of retail therapy yesterday, i am a little preoccupied with spring fever and the change that's in the air. it seems like spring can't come soon enough. though i'm missing vancouver's lovely cherry blossoms this time of year...and my friends' chris and anja's wedding...i am looking forward to the amazing spring in toronto. it's so refreshing and beautiful with flowers blooming and puppies everywhere (are puppies born in the spring? it just seems like it) birds chirping...makes you forget that scaly winter skin lasted for 6 months!

a couple days ago i finally saw the film, "lie with me" by the husband and wife collaboration of Clement Virgo and Tamara Faith Berger. husband is the director, wifey is the writer. collabs like that interest me...takes the term partner or dynamic duo to another level. maybe one day i will write an tantalizing screenplay and dean will film it. it's a dream now, but dreams are the fuel of the imagination. aside from the film's amazing artistic shots and cinematography, the clothes on leila are so pretty! makes me dream of patios and sticky skin in toronto's hot summer. yes, it can get sexy here in canada. i can't wait to put on a summer dress! love the silk looking polka dot tank top, the dresses, the pink necktie tank...gotta give it to toronto for having hip style and amazing filmmakers! hurry up spring!!!

can someone free me from my winter blues?

2006-04-07T00:40:00.000-04:00

me and my dad's old skool camera...i don't really know how to use it

2006-04-07T00:36:00.000-04:00

live art at factory theatre

2006-04-07T00:01:00.000-04:00

so live art is a bit of a spectacle for me, considering i'm still trying to manage being the introspective brooding artist type. but, i'm never one to turn down a challenge. this sunday, my friend norman and i are gonna team up to do a live art display at factory as part of the crosscurrents festival. our plan is to trace a projected image onto a large canvas and ummm...not sure what next, but we'll figure it out i suppose. just trying to have some fun and all. lately, i've been finding people a bit too serious around me. maybe i'm prone to seriousnes too. with spring in the air, i'm all ready to trade in my old dusty winter vibe for a fresh new breath of daffodils and tulips. i even jumped the gun today and bought a mini skirt and jelly shoes...reminds me of being 10 again.

for those who wanna check out the show, it's on sunday april 9, 7pm at the factory theatre on adelaide and bathurst.

video art obsession

2006-04-06T23:45:00.000-04:00

i have only recently been introduced to the lovely world of video art and experimental film. my boyfriend (dean) is a filmmaker and post production specialist (such a nerd) and he wows me constantly with the creative possibilities. today i finished the final edits and effects on my 2nd experimental art video. the first was a bit of a cop-out being a ghetto asian horror shot in my apartment. but, there is something so gratifying about pulling out the shapeless white nightie and parasol and walking up the staircase like an apparition. everyone's got a horror flick waiting inside them. this current video is a reaction to the social status of chinese people in the tdot. it kinda is a bit of a confession as well, being as priviledged as i am to have the opportunity to pursue my dreams...how do we make sense of that shift compared to the older generations? how do we see them and make sense of who we are and our values? sorry to get so heavy existentialist on you, but this was just what came out. anyhow, the images were all shot in chinatown and edited with super high contrast so that the colours are all saturated and has a grainy film look. i think often that dean's nerdiness is rubbing off on me. i can't even watch commercials now without analyzing the details. nerd. aside from that, i'm just proud of myself for putting it all together on the shitty imovie program. i still have to put on my track, which will feature djembe beats alongside a poetic rumination i wrote and performed for Mayworks in 2004. i'll try to post it when it's completely done.

it's all about me

2006-04-06T16:17:00.000-04:00

so, finally i have a blog where i can let out all my mindless ruminations about everything. when you're a writer, you need to write constantly...whether or not someone wants to listen. so those who can and want to share in my adventures can do so at their leisure...welcome to lena land!