Desperately Seeking Integrity
Integrity. What is it? Who has it? Who decides? I have for the past little while been focussed on this idea of integrity, both in myself and in those around me. It hasn't been altogether easy to deal with. In fact, it has been frought with all kinds of negative feelings of sadness, disappointment, confusion in addition to positive feelings of clarity and affirmation. I guess that the destruction of any illusion is disillusioning and i guess that's where i'm at. I'm getting rid of the illusion. I'm getting rid of the self-doubt and I'm listening to my intuition even when everyone else may not see the same things I see in quite the way that I see them.
I know that I'm talking in vagaries right now, but breaking down falseness has to come when people are ready, so this need not involve detailed examples from people in my life. But what it can include is a testament of what is important to me. To be the person I was meant to be in this life. We are all here for a reason, and we don't often know what the fuck that is. We have glimpses of our brilliance, our talents, our abilities and our priviledge but we don't usually know how it all fits together. Some of these things bring us pain and confusion. Some of these things make us comfortable. Some of us are so cut off that we are in denial and we stick with the status quo, close ourselves off from listening to our intuition and live a life where we never rock the boat. And while that seems like such a negative thing to do, a cowardly thing even, there are so many people who do it because of the potential consequences. And yet, there are some that are naturally accepting and complacent and maybe that is their role in life. To make people feel validated no matter what. Well, I guess I wouldn't fall into that role.
I have been struggling with myself as a "shit disturber", a person who sees truths and can't be quiet about them, a person who values honesty and compassion beyond any of the other niceties that are valued in relationships...a person who sees people for who they are and (if i care about you) what your soul is capable of. That may seem all hokey and shit to some of you and that's fine. I don't really care. For those who might understand, well this is for you. I CARE ABOUT INTEGRITY. I care that i consider it in my decisions. I care that my friends have it. I care that people treat me with it. I care that i am alligned with it always in all my choices. I CAN'T STAND DISHONESTY that is self serving and cowardly.
And then you might say, who am I to judge? You're right. What's right for me might not be right for others and who am i to project this stuff onto other people who don't think their actions are in any way lacking in integrity? I can't answer that. I can only say that I strive to be in touch with my integrity all the time. I strive to do the right thing not because others will cheer me on and say good things about me but because if i didn't, my soul would be in conflict. And in being that person, i really value those around me who can do the same. Everyone has their challenges in life. Not everyone can see the things I see in the same way, but i have to be okay with myself and what i expect if i'm ever going to be able to accept that this is my gift. People who love me love me for this. People who can't can move on.
I am hoping that I haven't expected too much from those around me and only helped to elevate them to their higher selves in some minute and often annoying way. But i am a spiritual being. I care about the spirituality of others and i care that their karma is correct. I hope that in time I can understand this lesson i've been given.
posted by Lena @ 1:05 PM
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