2008 is Gggrrrrrreeeeeaaaaatttttt!

Hi, hello fellow wandering minds. 2008 has started with a bang. It seems like all the seeds I've worked hard to sow are now in their germination phase. Tender tendrils making their way through the fabric of my consciousness - changing me in every way; usurping me completely as an artist. My creativity is not the only thing germinating. I am also going through my own metamorphosis in what I understand myself to be. I still don't have a regular job. I was really attached at one point, nearing the end of 2007 to have a job in place after my other one ended, but that didn't happen. While I spend my share of time stressing about this, as usual, all things come to pass and I'm reaching a new understanding of how I am meant to use this time.

In fact, it has been a blessing that I have not gotten any of the clinical jobs that I applied for and turned down the ones that didn't seem to meet my standards. Saying no to certainty is hard, but I did it with mixed feelings. Now I understand that the time has finally arrived for me to take my artistry more seriously. It's time to make a change. It's time for me to take a leap of faith. While this means starting over again in something I'm not formally trained in, I am finally accepting of it and am invigorated by it. I want something that excites me. I want to be creating constantly because that's what I'm meant to do. This has become more and more obvious to me since starting the production of "Castle in the Sky". This has been my first foray into directing, producing and creating an overall artistic vision for a film. And while this has been a daily challenge - doing everything else in life simultaneously - I am getting to the point where I'm getting excited and enjoying the process. I remembered that yesterday when I was at Value Village and shopping for the wardrobe for my characters. I am in complete control of it all. This is my child. I felt tickled for the first time in a while.

Admitting this new focus is scary for sure. I have many accollades (spelling?) in counselling already and this would seem like a completely random step in a different direction. But I am trusting now more than ever. Could it be that I am prepared for anything because so many other things are in flux? I mean, no biggy, but I'm only moving into my first home AND getting married AND planning a wedding at the same time! All of these things have challenged me to step into a new level of growth, of committing to things wholly and to face the resistance and excuses with courage and strength. I mean, none of the above things have been easy for me to face. As some of you may recall, I haven't exactly been one to espouse middle class values and institutions readily. So, I have had to redefine a lot of things for myself. I've had to face all those fears that have held me hostage for years and years and years. Well, don't give me too much credit. I haven't reached enlightenment or anything. I'm just ready to face it because I've stopped, thought about it and said, okay I'm ready. I'm ready for it all.